the war was never out there
it was always inside me
voices. whispers.
ghosts of myself hidden in the walls
echoes rattlin beneath plaster
til I couldn’t tell what was real anymore
or if anythin ever was
I thought I could fight it
hold on long enough
but the harder I gripped
the more it slipped thru my fingers
like tryin to catch the wind
or hold the ocean in my hands
I kept pushin
kept pretendin I was strong enough
but every step felt like
it was draggin me down
deeper. heavier
the weight of it all
grindin into my shoulders
like it was armor I couldn’t carry
I didn’t know how to stop
how to let it go
the anger that burned thru me
the sadness I swallowed
the pride that wouldn’t let me show it
so I pushed harder
til it cracked
til I cracked
I tried to fix it
thought if I could just break somethin
maybe it would all stop
so I grabbed the sledgehammer
slammed it against the wall
thinkin maybe the noise would stop
but the crack just let more in
more of the same hum in the air
that never seemed to go away
when my world broke
I tried to drown it in blood
thinkin if I could just end it
the noise would stop
the pain would stop
but it never does
it never fuckin does
it only shifts
keeps crawlin back into the cracks
that I thought I sealed shut
I didn’t know which was worse
the weight of the fight
or the silence that came after
when it all fell apart
when I stood there
still holdin onto somethin
I couldn’t name anymore
like I was meant to be the hero
and I couldn’t even save myself
I kept chasin it
kept believin that if I just tried harder
I’d be able to hold it all together
but every time I thought I had it
it was already slippin away
and I was left with nothin but the echo
of my own struggle
the hollow sound of the battle
I couldn’t win
Powerfully penned, Ambjr. Incredible write my friend. Appreciate you.
Damian
appreciate it
That first stanza..how many people have internal wars that no one sees it makes me sit and think on that. Great opening. Enjoyed this.
usually the wars we fight are with ourselves. thanks
It be like that sometimes, a lot of the time.
I’m glad you stepped into this life. Battles hard fought are the victories that taste the sweetest…you’re still here, proof enough.
Looking forward to the next installment.
guy from AA always tells me. the battle isn’t the whole war.
Smart guy
that he is. smartest person I know.
You are a very good, insightful writer. One of the better writers in here, actually. You know what is valuable in writing; The human condition.
That being said, I’d like to ask a favor of you. Add the “g”s back.
I think I understand why you leave them off, at the end of words. But, I think that by writing the word/s out completely, it adds authenticity to you work moreso.
You have a very keen, mature awareness in writing. I don’t know how old you are in actual years, but you write with a wisdom of someone who has lived quite a bit. By writing the words out, you will gain more credibility with a reading audience. We are all writers here, so we tend to fill in blanks with proper words, etc. But that makes for throwing off the rhythm of the flow. We subconsciously have to “correct” what we are reading. It causes bumps in the road.
You know what I mean?
You write very well. Your readers probably read well, too. So level up your style, it will pay off tremendously.
I do not mean this in a belittling way at all. I really am impressed with your poetry. I always have been. But as an experienced reader, I’d like to see you take that next step. I think it will make a positive difference.
Up to you, of course. But I mean well. You are good at this, your words deserve completion.
I do appreciate your concern bout my writin style. but I don’t write to make people comfortable. don’t do it to please the eye or make shit easy on the reader. not gonna find perfect flow here. not really interested in placin expectations on my art. I write as myself. it’s meant to jar you and make ya work for it. meanin of it all lives in the chaos of it not in the neat little lines that readers want it to be.
no harm done tho my friend…edit if you want while you read but I’m gonna keep writin my way and you might be missin the point with all that tidyin up.
Fair enough. We all have an identity that makes us unique. Keep writing good stuff.