reasoning within myself I think of all the advise I've been given
like say by my well meaning psychiatrist
my rebellion wants to ask have you ever been schizophrenic?
she was shocked when I told her it was painful but it is terribly so
a. emotionally constantly being rejected by people
who don’t seem to understand our brains don’t produce enough dopamine
which causes brain damage and delusions and reckless or dangerous behavior
it greatly affects our frontal lobe
b.mind and body crippling anxiety
great weights of depression when the dopamine is low
manic heights when it is too much
c.they experiment on us
to catch a blackbird for years I was on differing meds
some that made me drool
a lot of them caused me to gain weight
my hair started to fall out
and I gained no peace
finally they threw enough at me and one worked
relationship keeping is very difficult
people are attracted
but they usually don’t stick around when you get lost in your mind
no filter, no impulse control and all the behaviors that go with it
my best isn’t always good enough
keeping to a routine helps
1.taking my meds
2.having backup meds
3.recentering myself and when that doesn’t work time alone
4.art is very helpful writing and painting lessen the anxiety
I’m actually very fortunate I have a husband
and ways or tools to cope
still my heart won’t forget the unfortunate souls
who suffer with this mind ailment and can’t even advocate for themselves
for the addicted schizos who just want to quiet the voices for a moment
and have the proper amount of dopamine in their brain
the chemistry that provides contentment
people say I would never do that
my question is have you ever suffered this way
have you ever been schizophrenic
It’s the same for most mental illnesses.
Those that have never suffered from them cannot entirely understand what’s happening in the mind of the afflicted.
My mental health illness of choice (as if I had any) was depression.Everyone looked for a reason as to why it happened and yes there may have been some reasons but essentially I am predisposed to it.
They also presume medication will fix it when in fact it can’t.It can lessen the impact but the brain and the mind of a ‘ looney’ neuroplaticly savant ( I just made that up so no point googling it) in that it’s like trying to catch the wind and tame it.
I’m rambling a bit but today is a suffering day and writing ,as you well know,calms the mind.Doesnt have to be good writing,just has to be good enough to quiet the mind.
You’re husband is destined for heaven,if there is one,just tell him to keep away from my wife.They are saints in the making.It cannot be easy for either to understand our suffering but without them we probably wouldn’t be here?
One final thing.For all the shit that depression brought it also helped kick open a door that let kindness and compassion flood into me.
I often encounter people in social settings that trivialise or worse vilify those with mental health issues.What they don’t understand is they are only a bees dick away from themselves.
You take care sweetie and I mean that from the heart of my bottom…lol.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
hello dearest Benny I want to give you a proper response and I will but for now I just wanted to say thank you and hugs on a suffering day…depression is very difficult as I know 💕rest easy tonight…
🙏
good morning dearest Benny I often tell my husband he is due a reward for looking out for me there are so many areas I would be in danger on my own… a lot of people leave their spouces on a whim I don’t take mine for granted I know good and bad times come…I focus on what is worth my time and try to let the petty things go…he is my husband and caretaker I would be lost without him… you would think people would be understanding but sadly the ones that come near us are usually looking to take advantage of our diminished state…having a wife who understands you is beautiful…I know depression and know it often comes out of the blue and even when nothing is wrong it is unexplainable and it hurts when others say what’s wrong or just snap out of it I know it’s painful…I really appreciated your understanding but I didn’t mean to ramble so much your comment brough a lot of things to light like how grateful I am for my husband though imperfect has stood by me through the storms have a beautiful day today 💕
❤️
You’re one of the bravest and strongest people I know, Brenda.
thank you beautiful Mary it’s just what I’ve been through go through I deeply appreciate the lovely comment and understanding 💕
Powerfully penned, Brenda. The human mind is powerful, but it can be like putting together a puzzle, with very vague directions. Amazing write my friend, thanks for sharing. Appreciate you.
Damian
thank you dearest Damian it can be I do my best with what I have I get frustrated though when society still wants me to jump social hoops… especially when they know of my difficulties I deeply appreciate you 💕