Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

Carmyn

Today is papa’s funeral, Nonna and Nonno have flown in from Staten Island and so have my aunts, uncles and cousins from all over New Jersey. It all feels wrong. It feels wrong to only see family when someone dies and this time that someone happens to be my papa. Did they know? Did he not tell them that he suffered from colon cancer? Did they know that the cancer was so aggressive that it spread throughout his body within a matter of 3 months? A million questions run through my mind as I sit in the quiet staircase of the house. I’m hiding from Nonna because all she does is cry and cook since she’s been here and I’m tired of eating, I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay and that this is my new reality. I’m living in a world that my papa no longer exists in and my heart is fucking broken, no amount of rigatoni or mostaccioli can fix that no matter how fucking delicious it is. I put my head into my hands and take a deep breath, and as I do so, the stairs creak beneath solid footsteps. Shortly after, someone gets comfortable in the vacant spot next to me and I groan inwardly. So much for peace and quiet.

“How ya doin’ kid?” The familiar voice asks, I lift my head and stare blankly at my older cousin, Nico. “Yeah, I thought so. I just thought I’d ask. C’mon gimme a break I never know what to say at these things.” He says, his strong Italian-American accent bleeding through his words. I laugh at him and bump his shoulder with mine. “Hey whaddaya know, she laughs.” He laughs, wrapping his arm around my other shoulder. “I— I didn’t know, y’know. I don’t think anyone did, not even Nonna. So don’t beat yourself up about it. My uncle, your papa, was a prideful man. If I know him like I think I know him, then I know he didn’t want to be seen as weak or for anyone to take pity. He wanted to die with his dignity and would be damned if anyone took that from him. We weren’t the closest in the family, but I’ve always looked up to and respected him. And he was proud of you kid. He woulda hung the moon if you’d ask him to. Whatever you’re going through right now, just hold on to his memory because he will always be right here.” He says and taps on my chest, right above my heart. Tears fall silently down my cheeks as my cousin pulls me into a warm embrace. “Hey baby, everyone is heading to the church, you ready?” Violet asks from the foot of the stairs. Nico smiles at his beautiful pregnant wife, and then back at me, “You ready Charms?” I smile because I haven’t heard that nickname from him since we were kids. I nod as he takes my hand, and leads me down the stairs towards Violet who smiles at me warmly and pulls me into a hug. She whispers in my ear, “You are so beautiful and so strong. It’s going to get better.” I want to believe that, I really do. So I repeat that like a mantra in my head as we go to put the only man I’ve ever loved to rest.

One week later

It’s time to head back to Camden and face my mess of a life. I have to find a new job if I’m going to stay there. I cannot bear the thought of living with Ma in the same house Papa died in, no thanks. Thankfully I’m able to take the remainder of my things now that I’m not running away in the middle of the night. Ma stands at my door, watching me pack my bags. “I’m sorry.” She says quietly. I freeze. I turn to look at her with confusion on my face. “Sorry for what, Ma?” I ask. She walks over to the bed and sits, patting the spot next to her for me to sit. I join her and she inhales deeply, “I’m sorry for everything, Carmyn. I’m sorry for not being supportive of what you wanted for yourself. I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark about your father, and for that phone call lashing out at you when it wasn’t your fault. I’m just so terribly sorry.” She says, crying uncontrollably. I wrap my arms around my mother and we cry together. We stay like that for quite some time until I withdraw from her and look her in her eyes. “I’m sorry too, Ma. It wasn’t fair of me to leave like that. It wasn’t fair to move away when you both needed me so much, I feel like such a failure of a daughter.” I say.

She shakes her head, wiping the tears from my eyes, “You are the best daughter anyone in this world could possibly want. Your father was so proud of you because you are so much like him, and I am also proud of you because you are like me too. I don’t know if he ever told you the story. But much like you, we also left home in the middle of the night.” She says, smiling and the look on my face must say exactly what I’m feeling, confusion. She continues, “It was the night after our high school graduation, we knew we wanted to be together and that we didn’t want what our parents wanted for us. So we went to our homes that night, packed our bags and then in the middle of the night your father came to pick me up and we left Staten Island for Cape May and never looked back. I understand, wanting to be in control of your own life. It’s what I’ve always wanted for you, Carmyn. So please believe me when I say that everything that I did and said came from a place of love because I wanted better for you. Your father and I had so many struggles doing things the way that we did, and I didn’t want that for you.” I take her hands in mine, “Thank you Ma, for telling me that everything is gonna be alright.” I say and now it is her turn to look confused. “Because though you and Papa may have struggled before, you were still able to give me a great life. And that, is how I know that everything will be alright. You just have to trust me.” I add and wink at her. She laughs and gets up from the bed, “I’m going to go and pack some leftovers from Nonna for you to take home. If I eat anymore pasta, I’m going to be sick.” She says. She turns around just as she makes it to the door and says, “I love you, kid.” I smile, “I love you too, Ma. And seriously, everything is gonna be alright.” I say. She nods and heads to the kitchen as I finish up with my things, repeating my new mantra in my head.

Just as I get everything packed away into my car, I stand in the driveway taking a long look at the house. Just three years ago I stood in this very driveway hugging Papa for the last time as he helped me get away from a life that didn’t suit me anymore. Ma comes from the front door, Tupperware in tow as promised. I smile retrieving the containers from her. “Will you call me, at least? It doesn’t have to be every day, I just want to make sure you’re okay, y’know, eating and stuff.” She says, rubbing her neck. “Of course I’ll call ma, and soon maybe you can come up for a visit when I get settled. I have to find a new jo—.” I stop. Shit. I didn’t tell her I lost my last one. “A new job? What happened to the barista gig, I thought you loved it there.” She asks, eyes narrowing. “I did love it there, it’s a long story and I have a long drive back. We’ll talk about it later, promise.” I say kissing her cheek and jumping in the car before she gets the chance to say anything else. Damn. Me and my big mouth.

I back out of the driveway slowly, waving goodbye to Ma and turn the radio on preparing for the drive home. An hour later I finally turn my phone back on having stopped to get gas about 30 minutes from Camden. I’m sitting in my car when to my surprise the messages are pouring in.

2:15 pm Saraiah: Hey, I’m sorry about today want to get a drink tonight?

3:30 pm Saraiah: You could have just said no…..

3:45 pm Marcella: Hey Carmyn, I really hope there’s no hard feelings after today. Just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay.

4:00 pm Saraiah: Hey that hot guy that gave me his card for you just came back and barged into Marcella’s office……I wonder what that’s about. Call me

4:20 pm Saraiah: 20 mins have passed and he’s still in there!!! Call me!!

4:21 pm Saraiah: (Missed Call)

4:22 pm Saraiah: (Missed Call)

5:00 pm Marcella: (Missed Call)

7:29 pm Unknown Caller: (Missed Call)

8:30 pm Marcella: Hey are you okay?? Please call me. I’m sorry.

10:45 pm Saraiah: (Missed Call)

10:55 pm Saraiah: Carm, you better have a good reason for not answering me!! I’m worried, please call me.

Just then my screen lights up with a picture of Saraiah and me at the bar we patronize every weekend signaling that she’s calling me. “Hello?” I answer. She starts, “HELLO?! HELLO IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? NO. NO. HELLO IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ANSWER THEIR PHONE WHEN THEIR BEST FRIEND CALLS THEM! YOU DON’T GET TO—“ I cut her off, “My dad died.”

Silence.

Dead.

Fucking.

Silence.

“Oh I’m such a bitch! Carmen, I’m so sorry. Fuck. I’m so so sorry.” She says, and I reply with, “It’s okay babe, you didn’t know. Tell you what, meet me at my place in 45 minutes with the biggest bottle of wine you can find?” She sighs and then laughs, “Yep. I’ll order the Chinese takeout. See you soon.” She hangs up.

I grab my purse to put my card back into my wallet when a piece of paper falls out.

“Tana del Misteriosos” Nightclub

Lachlan Knight

856-555-0791

I inhale and exhale deeply before dialing the number before my nerves get the best of me. “Knight.” A deep voice greets me from the other end. “Uh, hi your business card was given to me to—“ I’m cut off abruptly. “My business card is sometimes put into the wrong hands. Cut to the chase, I don’t have all day.” He says with a biting tone. I hang up. Nope, not even worth it. I rip up the card and toss the pieces into the trash bin I’m parked next to. Instead of taking the easy way out and dealing with that I’ll find a job the old fashioned way.

But for now, I’m going to get wine drunk and engorge myself on Chinese cuisine with my best friend who actually gives a damn about me.

A job will just have to wait.