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twofiftythree posted in the group ”BACK TO POETRY BASICS”
bi-trillets attempt. this one wasn’t easy for me…never do well when rhymin is involved.
endless night confession
breathe in the black smoke, love feels like a joke
the nights we wasted tasted strange
cheap liquor kiss, dirty exchangeyou were my worst itch, struck like a kill switch
old barroom lungs in borrowed light
we swore we’d run but stayed all nightdrag me thru my pain, burn right thru my veins
heat keeps crawlin under my skin
leavin’s just comin back againhabits never end, I break and pretend
hold my breath til I fuckin choke
write my sins in secondhand smoke![Profile Photo]()
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3 Comments-
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![Profile picture of twofiftythree]()
I wonder if we are readin the same poem. I really expected this one to get marked up with a red pen on all the places I went wrong. I appreciate your input and the lessons you’re providin. I’ll agree with you on fixin the rhyme so I’ll add the s to pain. but you’re gonna have to pry my lowercase letters and lack of punctuation from my cold dead hands and drag me to grammar hell before I fix that.
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![Profile picture of RICHARD "Rascal" JENKINS]()
Ha-hahhhh!
That’s a given, M’Friend, but I’ll never give-up on ya. 🤓
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A brilliant submittal, Syr Dru
Congratulations on another successfully excellent effort in displaying such admirable skill in the true essence and grasp of that which is conveyed in these earnestly shared teaching sessions.
Your poetic potential is second to none … this piece is spot-on in every sense of the phrase: meter, poetic voice, imagery, metaphor, flow, emotion, etc; — you name it!
Of course, I know you know, as the perfectionist teacher type I am, there’s going to be mention of punctuation and capitaliization; ie, proper grammar … LOL!
Take note of this: when it comes to rhymes; which, by-the-way, you shine with virtual perfection, except for V3 L1, which is an easy fix by adding a simple “s” (an “n” sound does not rhyme with an “s” sound, even when the main portion of a word does).
“drag me thru my pain(s), burn right thru my veins”
You should correct that wee faux pas and post this exceptionally rendered first ever Bi-Trillet piece, along with your strikingly well-composed inaugural Sonnet.
What a pleasurably rewarding experience you make teaching and sharing.
Thank you for participating and graciously exhibiting your inspiring potential.
Gratefully yours! ⁓ Richard