arguments I never win

I think
that maybe this time…

his hand clamps down
onto the back of my neck
so smoothly
so practiced
like he’s done a thousand times before
like he’ll do a thousand more times

“finish it
go on say the rest
I wanna hear the delusion
before I tell you how wrong you are”

I think I’m…

“stop
let’s stop pretendin
you don’t think
you react
you panic
thinkin is a grown man’s sport
you just scribble half assed lines”

the phrase dies instantly
he smiles at the silence
“that’s better
don’t use words you can’t back up”

I whisper
I was just gonna say…
“no”
maybe…
“no”
but…
“no”
it’s not…
“it is”
I don’t…
“you’re right you don’t
so stop wastin time pretendin you do”
it’s just…
“I said no”

the sentence catches in my throat
he notices
“there it is
that obedience
you fall so easily into”

I’m doin better…

“you always say that
right before you spiral
it’s your little cycle
break. mend. brag. collapse. repeat.
pathetic that you call it progress”

I’m tryin…

“everyone tries
you act like effort matters
it doesn’t”

I’m not drownin anymore…

he chuckles
tightens his grip
thumb pressin into that soft place
just under my skull
“sure you are
you drown constantly
you just splash less
it’s almost impressive how quickly you sink
even when you’re not drinkin yourself to death”

I dunno
I just think…

“don’t finish that sentence
you’ll embarrass yourself”

I open my mouth
mumble an apology
and close again

“look at that
your favorite trick
apologizin for breathin
you do it so fast you don’t even hear yourself
pathetic little reflex you can’t unlearn”

his thumb presses
slow and cruel
pain shootin down my spine
as he tilts my head forward
into a humiliatin bow
that isn’t mine
“there you go
might as well look the part”

he leans in
voice calm and twists my head
mockin how easily
my posture bends to him
“honestly
this suits you”

I hesitate
slow
careful
tryin to find the words he can’t argue with

some people…

his grip tightens so fast
my whole spine goes rigid
“stop right there

don’t you dare finish that lie”

I drag in a shaky breath
try again anyway

some people
they see me
really see me for…

he cuts my stumblin off
strokes the back of my neck
almost comfortin
and whispers in my ear
“oh sweetheart…
no
nobody sees you
they see what you let them
and you’re real careful
to only show the safest pieces”

I try to lift my head
he pushes it right back down
like it weighs nothin
I mouth the words
barely a sound

couple of people do…

he shuts it down instantly
“no one fuckin sees you
no one”

a tremor runs thru me
he smiles
satisfied
“you haven’t changed
you’ve just gotten better
at pretendin you’re not impossible to love”

my chest heaves
the tears start spillin out
he tilts my head lower
a degradin little correction
“go on
say it
tell me who sees you”

I swallow hard
try to steady myself
try to gather a protest
anythin but silence

he squeezes lightly
approvin
“good
listen for once
I’m the only voice that’s been consistent
I’m the only one who’s stayed
and I’ll keep stayin
long after everyone else gets tired
of holdin you together”

I nod
defeated
he pats my shoulder
and steps back
just enough to let me breathe
but not enough to let me think

“perfect
back where you belong
quiet
manageable
and finally
finally
honest”