ode to my meds alarm

and lo
the bell tolls

oh thou shrill herald
of morn and maintenance
thou sanctimonious chime
that splits sleep from my skull
with neither subtly nor apology
nor a single fuck giveth 

thou ringest
my soul groaneth
for thou art never early
never late
but precisely on time
like a fuckin wizard
happenin upon thy shire 

thou knowest my weakness
my soft brained tendencies
my dangerous optimism
that whispers
perhaps today 
thou needest not partake 
perhaps today
thou art special

and thou sayest
fuck no

open thy bottle
and consume
for thou art bonkers
when left
to thine own devices
and history hath repeateth

for thou art keeper
of the tablets
warden of equilibrium
the iron bell
hung round my neck
lest I forget who I become
without thee

thou hast trained me well
oh Pavlovian bastard
at thy cry
my hand reaches
my mouth opens
my will surrenders to thee
as if obedience
were no option 

open thy bottle
and consume
for thou hast tried willpower
and it fucked thee thoroughly
raw
with enthusiasm
for thou hast tested the wilderness
and returned scorched

thou rememberest
the nights of fire
the mornins of god complex clarity
the sudden certainty
that sleep was optional
and consequences but a fable
told to frighten children

how swiftly wonder soured
how brilliance metastasized
into noise
and motion that lacketh restraint

how every thought
arrived anointed
and demanded devotion
how doubt was a bad look
and wreckage wore thy name destiny

these things

are not forgotten

so when the bell ringeth

there is parley

as there always is
as there always will be
with false hope 
laid upon thy altar
barterin with chemistry
like it hasn’t heardth thou bullshit before
with promises made

and fingers crossed behind thy back

for this too

is part of the rite

the bargain is spoken
the surrender follows
not as defeat
but procedure
chemistry appeased
variables narrowed
and damage
postponed

the bell falleth silent
unmoved

unimpressed

havin overseen
the necessary steps

it shall return
as it always doth

for this is not mercy
nor grace
nor tis it redemption
this is maintenance

a-fuckin-men