stay in the quiet

the dark
it doesn’t
it doesn’t wait
for me to close my eyes
it’s already here
already in my lungs
it’s already fuckin here
pressin pressin pressin
down on my chest
pressin
down down down
til I can’t breathe
til I can’t think
and I can’t sleep
I can’t sleep
I can’t sleep

I reach
god I keep reachin
hand out
thinkin maybe
just maybe
if I stretch far enough
it’ll be you
it’ll be you my love
I swear I see you sometimes
the shape of you bent next to me
the soft weight of safety in the sheets
like light
like warmth
like the thing that could finally quiet this noise
but when I touch it
when I finally fuckin touch it
it’s not you
it’s never you

it’s the hands
always the hands
his hands
thick and heavy
the same hands
that ripped breath from me
the same hands
that built the cage in my chest
I reach for love
I come back with fists
I come back chokin

I come back his

the shadows
they crawl
I hear them movin
I swear I hear them movin
whisperin my name in the walls
voices in the drywall
in the cracks
in the ceilin
they wait til I’m too tired to fight
they wait til I want to stop fightin
they wait
they always fuckin wait

and that’s the worst of it
not the fear
not the hands
but the waitin and the wantin
the wantin so bad for rest
the wantin so bad to reach
the wantin so bad for you
the wantin so bad for quiet
wantin
to close my eyes
and not fall again
not fall into this
not fall into him
but I always do
right into the weight of a grip

that drags me under again
again and again

breathe in
breathe in
breathe in