i never learned to leave things alone
if it’s in reach
it’s already mine
doesn’t matter who it belongs to
I take
that’s what I do
that’s what I’ve always fuckin done
the bottle?
it never had to ask twice
I always emptied it
the mania?
it feels like a goddamn callin
so I always follow it off the cliff
and pretend the wreckage is beautiful
the crash?
I stay there too long
make a pallet on its floor
and call it home
b/c the pain feels honest
in a way nothin else does
and then
mercy started fallin into my lap
like I hadn’t spit in its face yesterday
like I was worth savin
like this mess of a man
deserved another shot
it kept comin
so i kept takin
I tell myself that I’m tryin
that it’s the tryin that matters
that eventually the wantin
will require somethin inside of me
but that’s just another lie
I’ve gotten good at tellin myself
I’m still takin what I want
still the same greedy bastard
who grabs at good things
with these dirty hands
who keeps anythin offered
even when I know
it belongs somewhere cleaner
all of this good shit
it should’ve gone
to someone steadier
someone softer
someone whose brain doesn’t swing
between god and garbage
every few weeks
but it didn’t
it came to me
and I didn’t say no
I never do
“grabs at good things with these dirty hands” – love this line.
This is some magical shit right here.
First thing that popped into my head when I read your poem.
interestin which lines stand out to people. appreciate it.
“mercy started fallin into my lap
like I hadn’t spit in its face yesterday”
Powerfully penned, Ambjr. I’d be lying to myself, saying I haven’t chewed some of the same dirt you speak of my friend. I can relate to the lines I quoted. It was a battle with myself to think I deserved a second chance, it kinda fell in my lap as well. I still have moments that I don’t think I deserve good things. Into the book it belongs! Incredible spill my friend. Appreciate you.
Damian
appreciate you sharin where you relate.