COMING ALIVE!
How do you heal? How do you
convince yourself that there really
are good touches? How do you
trust after a lifetime of horrific abuse!
It just happens. It may happen slowly
or one day there is an epiphany or…
I guess for some too broken – it may
never happen! I only know my story.
Don’t judge. Don’t laugh. If you do
laugh…don’t tell me. I sat for months
eating bread…unable to cry. I was on
auto-pilot and that barely functioned.
Wake. Pee. Instant coffee. Eat bread.
Wait for my monsters (family) to come
to abuse or kill me. Mix in buying bread,
pooping and a bit of sink wash up.
That was life.
On a warm July day, I had a slight
itch. A crotch itch. Probably my
lack of cleaning myself properly.
I had an intense fear of bathtubs.
I had been held underwater in a tub
at least 6 times that I could vividly
remember – so I bathed in the sink.
I had no self esteem. No self worth.
The itch – it broke the norm. I scratched
it away for a moment, but it returned.
So, I rubbed it. 22 years old and I had
never self-explored my nasty body.
That had been everyone else’s glory.
The itch remained. I rubbed it more.
My fingers brushed against my clit.
It was a strange feeling. Totally unlike
being spread apart and violently used.
I mostly forgot the itch. It became
something much more. I rubbed my
outer lips. Fingers circling. I touched
my clit. Lightly…then a steady press.
I could feel my clit touch all over my
body. My face got flush. Even my
shoulders desired that I continue. My
legs trembled. I even drooled.
I know I moaned. I cooed. My head
went back as my breathing went out
of my control. I rubbed and my back
arched. I found I couldn’t stop.
I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to find
out how it would all climax. My body
jerked and I may have known deep
in the back of my mind…orgasm!
GLORY BE! OMG! I exploded into
a frenzied calm. I could breathe. I was
smiling. I had drooled down both sides
of my face! My fingers were dripping.
I laid there for 20 minutes or so. I
had found something meaningful. I
now understood masturbation. I did
it a few more times! Then I got hungry.
I dressed and shopped and even talked
to people. I bought pork chops and
went home and fried them. I added to
the “wants” list to give my counselor.
I want to cum! Several times a day!
Every day! When I’m ready…I want
to cum with other people. IT MAKES
ME FEEL ALIVE! I love masturbation!
Powerful work. Tremendous.
Did you also read part 1 WAITING FOR MONSTERS?
I read both parts….loved them both.
You’re amazing,that’s all.
🙏
I had my first orgasm in 1991, when I was date raped. I passed out immediately. I have no recollection of the sex, just the orgasm and passing out. With the man I loved for my entire life. We broke up that year. We reconnected in 2020. I had the second orgasm of my life in 2021 by myself 20 minutes after he left. Both times were traumatic.
I had my third orgasm 2 weeks ago.
Sexual trauma makes your body unavailable to that deep part of you that can let go until you are comfortable. It doesn’t matter how it happens.
You deserve pleasure, girl, however it happens. No shame. You deserve an orgasm if you can orgasm. I hope you have another. I hope you have as many as you want, any way that you want them. You deserve pleasure and to feel good.
Fantastic write. And no, I didn’t read part 1 yet. This stopped me dead in my tracks. I’m heading over there now.
Peter is right. You are amazing.
Since that day at 24, I’m ok on orgasms. Toys and strange men…sorry society. Women also! Yummy. A few things still trigger. Face front is the worst. Feeling restricted (held down) causes me to freeze. Or I see past faces that aren’t there. Some music triggers and some names, also. Not being in a relationship, I probably have too much sex. Last relationship there was companionship and caring – but little sex. I ended it. I still have a life to live. I can’t do boredom.
Live your life girl.
Your extremity of sensual imagination never ceases to astound – and arouse(!), me – harriet-jacqui xx
I smile on both ends from that comment!