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RICHARD "Rascal" JENKINS posted in the group ”BACK TO POETRY BASICS”
GOODNESS, TFT!
Now, THAT is a proper Sonnet … it’s obvious you’ve done your homework.
Your creativity sparks, emotion sings, and diction dances. And, I like your use of elision. Could use a bit’a punctuation.
See critique and edits below:I said I don’t do THIS. POems that behave (STRESS-STRESS / a count long)
that count their beats and beg to sound profound ✔︎
but here I am the fool you couldn’t save ✔︎
all rhyme and reason. love still hangin round ✔︎I hate this form. it’s polished. cold. confined ✔︎
like scrubbin blood just so it stains again ✔︎
I tell myself to leave your heart behind ✔︎
but every line just drags you back within ✔︎it’s gross. it’s soft. it’s not my usual brand ✔︎
but somethin in me hums the way you do ✔︎
I’m writin sonnets now…you understand? ✔︎
what’s next? a ballad? well maybe one or two (a count long)so fine. it’s love. you win. I’ll take the shame. ✔︎
just don’t you dare make me give it a name ✔︎i SAID i DON’T do POems THAT beHAVE (count corrected / can be ˈpō-ĕms or pōms)
that COUNT their BEATS and BEG to SOUND proFOUND ✔︎
but HERE i AM the FOOL you COULDn’t SAVE ✔︎
all RHYME and REAson. LOVE still HANGin ROUND ✔︎i HATE this FORM. it’s POLished. COLD. conFINED ✔︎
like SCRUBbin BLOOD just SO it STAINS aGAIN ✔︎
i TELL mySELF to LEAVE your HEART beHIND ✔︎
but EVEry LINE just DRAGS you BACK withIN ✔︎it’s GROSS. it’s SOFT. it’s NOT my USual BRAND ✔︎
but SOMEthin IN me HUMS the WAY you DO ✔︎
i’m WRITin SONnets NOW…you UNderSTAND ✔︎
what’s NEXT? a BALlad? MAYbe ONE or TWO (count corrected)so FINE. it’s LOVE. you WIN. i’ll TAKE the SHAME. ✔︎
just DON’T you DARE make ME give IT a NAME ✔︎(edited)
I said, “I don’t do poems that behave,
that count their beats, and beg to sound profound.”
But, here I am, the fool you couldn’t save …
all rhyme and reason, love still hangin ’round.I hate this form; it’s polished. cold. confined …
like scrubbin’ blood just so it stains again.
I tell myself to leave your heart behind,
but every line just drags you back within.it’s gross, it’s soft, it’s not my usual brand,
but somethin’ in me hums the way you do.
I’m writin’ sonnets now, you understand?
What’s next, a ballad? Well, maybe one or two.So, fine! II’s love, you win … I’ll take the shame;
just don’t you dare make me give it a name!Good work; TFT, ya got it goin’!
Verrry impressive, indeed! 👌
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V3L4 should be: What’s next, a ballad? Maybe, one or two.