Interview with My Ego

Host: Are you comfortable, Mr. Abbey and which ego will come out and parlez vous with us today?

Atticus: I don’t mind the fever of the cold in speaking to the dead with a compress against my head, while chewing Aspergum in my cud. My best friend, a torn and forgotten Cabbage Patch doll. “What was the question again…I forgot it?”

Host: I ask if you were comfortable in this setting?

Atticus: If you call being chained in a patted-cell, wearing a johnny coat. Exposing my ass, comfortable and some fool on the outside, snickering…

Host: Could you explain your purpose for writing darkly?

Atticus: That was before my time and I never knew Flipper, the porpoise. As far as writing dark…blame it on my friggin’ Lenovo. It gets sidetracked every once in a while, hung up in its skivvies.

Host: Have you ever been censored by your agent.

Atticus: Well, I was censer’d by my agent for running amuck in the garden and pulling out the thumbs of the rose bushes. As I was exceeding the speed limit, exercising my tidbits. My agent is my mother-in-law who was shaking the censer at the nudist colony warding off mosquitoes.

Host: Who is your favorite writer?

Atticus: Ain’t nobody ever been able to fill Poe’s loafers.

Host: What is your best advice to aspiring writers?

Atticus: Get a job.

Host: Do you have a family or close friends?

Atticus: I’m a family member of a close-knit society, and we knit sweaters…that was meant to be funny. “What was the question?”

Host: What about family or friends?  

Atticus: Actually, I’m a vampire, and vont yur blod.

Host: I understand that you have a small book and coffee shop when not incarcerated.

Atticus: Do I look incorporated to you? 

Host: Its been said among your peers, that you speak to the dead. Someone name, Petunia.

Atticus: The name is Musette, and she is a Genie in a bottle.

Host: A bottle?

Atticus: Yes, formaldehyde.

Host: Have you ever suffered from anxiety?

Atticus: No, but I had loose shingles once until granny nailed them down.

Host: Do you hear voices in your subconscious?

Atticus: Mostly from my Cabbage Patch doll, who got run over by some obnoxious old fart driving a sleigh.

Host: what is your greatest strength in writing dark?

Atticus: I can eat a whole bag of Cheetos without getting orange stuff on my fingers or my Lenovo.

Host: What are your career goals?

Atticus: To overtake the narcistic fools who fill our dreams with BS.

Host: What is your biggest weakness.

Atticus: I would have to say that it’s my penis, but it’s very un-cooperated when writing.

Host: What do you say to children who may read this interview?

Atticus: Get a larger pencil.