no
not that version
not that one
not the pieces stitched together
outa all the things
you needed me to be
look at me
hold it there
don’t let your eyes slide off
don’t try to soften the edges
so you can keep your image of me
see me
little boy
in rooms too big
with walls too close
breath held in corners
his shadow stretchin
fillin the floor
fists and body
climbin up over me
til there was no space left to go
watch my face
how it empties
how it goes still
like nothin is happenin
like I’m somewhere else
while my body stays
and takes it all
watch me disappear
and let somethin else stay
settlin into the place
where I used to be
quiet
under my skin
learnin what hurts
where to press
what to cut
where bone learns
how to take soft moments
and grind them down
til they’re sharp
how it moves
thru my hands
leavin marks
how its voice
falls from my tongue
how it gathers anger
I wasn’t allowed to feel
how it holds it
keeps it close
nurtures it
til it fits me
how I fed it
poured fire down my throat
to cauterize the memories
drownin was the only thing
that pressed it all down
far enough
that I could breathe
how I stumbled
into nights stretchin wide
parkin lot halos
neon hummin with my pulse
how I stood in it
lit up
fillin myself with light
borrowed
burnin
raw
and violent
til it spilled outa me
too fuckin bright to hold
whiskey runnin hot
thru everythin
turnin blood into static
turnin silence into noise
that I needed
to outrun
don’t look away
just look
how it shifts
how the light starts the flicker
cuts instead of shines
how I don’t know
where to stop
how my mouth
starts believin
everythin it says
like I’m more
than I am
like I’m untouchable
then the drop
now watch
how I go back for it
again
and again
how I beg for a quiet
that never lasts
how it turns on me
how the noise never dies
just cuts out mid note
leaves the last sound hangin
somewhere I can’t reach
how my hands
still move
searchin for keys
that don’t answer
how the music
that used to bleed outa me
turns stiff
mechanical
repetition
without pulse
body
that remembers the rhythm
but has forgotten his soul
look at me
not the fire
not the light
not the way i make you feel
this
this hollowed out echo
this shell
propped up
breathin outa habit
this version
the one that’s here
after everythin burns off
the one
you don’t know
what to do with
don’t look away now
you wanted me
this is all there fuckin is
