for the love of fuck you

I say it
usually in ways that hurt a little
in the wrong key
in the wrong tone
with a smirk I can’t control
and a mouth that prefers to bite
but I fuckin say it

I give you pieces of music
still bleedin from my fingers
no title
no end
just a half assed melody
that sounds a lot like your name

I say it
in the texts I almost send
then delete
in the silence I hold
a beat too long
b/c I’m waitin for you
to hear what I’m not sayin

I say it
when I swear I don’t care
when I curse your name
and pray you read the wreckage
like a love letter
I was too proud to sign

I say it
in eye contact
that borders on violent
and in fuck yous
that mean
please
don’t go

I give you
all the wrong things
in all the right moments
start fights instead of confessions
bring you chaos instead of comfort
b/c this
this noise inside me
it doesn’t know how to be gentle

but sometimes
my hands forget
they cup your face
like they’re afraid to break you
thumbs brushin your cheek
like you might vanish
if I breathe too hard

sometimes my voice grows quiet
when I don’t mean it to
and I kiss you like an apology
for all the things I said
but more for the things I didn’t 
sometimes I leave notes
short. sharp. stupid.
but I fold them with care

and you
you always notice
even when I pretend
it was nothin

it’s not

it’s never nothin

maybe this
isn’t the kind of love
that makes sense
but if you’ve felt it
in the silent moments of my rage
then you already know
I meant every destructive moment
with all my god damn heart