My greenhouse has set empty for the better part of two years now, I just haven’t recalibrated my emotions enough to once again find the joy in planting. After losing mom, dad, and grandma last year, all I could see and feel was death and a heavy desire to just lay down and wait on my turn as well. However, God must have other plans for me because I’ve finally gotten so miserable woollering in my self loathing that I cant even stand my own company anymore. I have to wake up, I have to live again regardless. So yesterday I got out of bed (late of course) sat on the edge of the bed and decided today is the day, I can no longer entertain this person im becoming, so I pop eight hundred milligrams of IB Profrin for the latter pain I know is headed my way tonight after all my work is done, and I reach across my dresser and grabbed my hardback journal/to do list with the pretty little birds that line the edges, I flipped to its brand new pages and started a list to rebuild this broken down place we have been calling home. Actually first it was a prayer to God, “I cannot do any of this without you Lord” “I have no strength, please help me find normal again and the beauty in life.” Then I jotted down only a couple of things that I wanted to start this huge undertaking with, I then got up, got dressed and decided the first order of business was gonna be my grape arbor. Ive babied that crazy vine for four years trying to get it to grow, and just so happens this summer it took off climbing so fast I had to build a new support system to reinforce the small one she started out on.
Project #1 Check!
Feeling somewhat accomplished, I then moved on to the second order of business which was my greenhouse, and this is where my day ended, as I opened the door, which like I said I hadn’t done in two years, I literally just started bawling like a baby, there in that thirty foot long greenhouse, amongst all my moms concrete garden statues I had stored in there through winter, were hundreds of these beautiful head high flowers, I dont even know what they are, but I know I didnt plant them. Blues, whites, and pinks were everywhere, and so many of them I could no longer see my tables I was working on putting together. The reason I started having a moment was because back when I put that greenhouse up, the purpose was to plant flowers and sale them, and also give vegetables as well as flowers to family and friends, and it in that moment occurred to me that while I have been out broken, crying, praying for my own death, and had no desire to ever garden again, God was busy behind closed doors planting, watering, and giving sunshine when I neglected to, all to give me this beautiful day after the storm of life about took me with it. Thats love, and thats mercy through a Fathers quiet guiadance back to the good path. Those little flowers had nothing they needed, but somehow they were tended to, and on the day appointed, my goodness how they bloomed and helped my sick heart feel purpose again. ❤️
