Perhaps once you were somebody smiling.
Somebody in their youth, but even then,
have you ever parted with your stone-cut stare?
It haunts me to think of it after all these years.
The earliest memory of you taking me
to basketball tryouts in elementary school.
I became intimidated and scared
and asked to leave…
without even trying to encourage me to try,
we left without saying a word.
Why the hell didn’t you push me?
Why the hell did you allow me to follow
your cowardly example?
That memory haunts me
and I will never forgive you.
However, I want peace again!
There were many occasions,
where we went out to eat,
and nothing was said.
Just staring…
You’re still alive, however, I don’t care.
Mom was my rock and inspiration,
and you were the ghost at the dinner table.
The few social skills I inherited, were from mom.
Someday, our estrangement will end in your death.
Someday, you may have a grave that I may visit.
Someday, if you have a spirit, just push me to try.
Someday, in death, you, Mom, and I can start over.
Very understandable. I have a love hate relationship with my late mother. I can never have her love or know why she couldn’t love me. I wish she would have been silent and stoic. I only knew my Dad the last year and a half of his life.
Relationships are hard. You take from them what you can – even if it’s a great lesson in how to be. I wish I had known that years ago. I became too much like her. Not abusive but her other bad habits.
Well you know only recently have I found it necessary to write about my parents. Both contrasted with the other yet they were married thirty-seven years until my mother’s death. My father, I’ll keep venting about because it helps me get past many depressing things from childhood. Thanks for the comment as always, Paula.
Daniel
Powerfully penned, Daniel. The flip side of the coin so to speak, compared to your mother in the previous write. You’re a gifted writer my friend. Appreciate you.
Damian