Did Pigs Have Wings?

A Story by Randall

Satire “GOD” The Ending are characters from my first and second novels. Daniel lost his first love, Mary, who lies on Mary’s bluff. Daniel feels that God was wrong in taking Mary. God sees the truth.

1.                                                                                                     Randall…

 Started: 10 October 2025

 Finished: 12 October 2025                                                                                                     

                                    Did Pigs have wings? 

                                                        1.

    I believe pigs used to fly.  They used to fly right beside the Angels. Until one day an Angel became jealous of the pigs flying beside it.  So, this jealous angel went to Metatron, the head scribe and appointment maker for God. 

    The Angel stepped up to Metatron, who was sitting at the scribe’s table.   

    “Name, please.” He said without looking up. 

    “Gabriel The Messenger.” 

    Metatron Looked up.  “Gab, it’s good to see you!” 

    “Metatron.” 

    “Gab, are you still mad at me?” 

    “Yes, I am.   Spreading all those rumors about us, Angels having Toga parties and Orgies. 

    “Well, I’ll take the blame for the Toga parties.  But I heard it was the pigs who told God about the Orgies. 

    “Hell!  I knew it was those stinking Swine Ham.” 

    “Gab, what’s Hell and Ham?” 

    “Something I heard God say about the Apes that live below us. He was going to light up their Hams in Hell if they didn’t straighten out and do as they were told.” 

    “Hams, Hell, I don’t understand Gab.” 

    “I don’t either, Metatron.  But they’d better get their Heads and Hams wired together, or they’re going to Hell.  That’s something else I heard God say.” 

    “Oh, here’s something else he’s mad about: some snake down there handing out free apples to the Apes, picked from a tree that he put off limits.” 

    “But I digest from my reason for being here.” 

    “Gab, that’s digress from my reason for being here.” 

    “Oh, yeah, digress.” 

    “Okay, back to the reason I’m here.  I want to talk to God about why the pigs should lose their wings.” 

    “Okay, I’ll put you down for 3,600 seconds.” 

    “Isn’t that…. let me think here, 1 hour?” 

    “That’s right, Gab.  You win the free chicken dinner.” 

    “Why don’t you just tell someone 1 hour?” 

    “Just imagine, I tell you, get 1 hour to talk to God.  You give me the sad look and say only 1 hour?   So, I say okay, I’ll give you 3,600 seconds, they smile and think they just made out.  They’re happy I’m happy.” 

    “I guess no one really knows what time is.” 

    “I’ve got a little secret God told me, Gab.  He’s said way ahead in time, there’s going to be born an Ape named, now get this name, it’s funny.  “Einstein” isn’t that funny?” 

    “A riot, Metatron.  I don’t get it.” 

    “Well, this Einstein Ape is one of the smartest Apes around.  He knows how time works.  You know, like bend it, straighten it out, put it into a loop, and lasso the sun, pulling it closer to you in the summer to make it hotter, and then letting the loop out to make it cooler in the winter. But it all depends on where the Apes live on the big blue ball.  It’s all above me, Gab.” 

    “But we digress again.” 

    “Yes, you did, Metatron.” 

    “METATRON.” 

    “Yes, my God?” 

    “Can you give me 1 minute?” 

    “I can do better than that, God, I can give you 60 seconds.” 

    “That’s even better, you know that’s 1 minute, don’t you?” 

    “Yes, God.” 

    “You know I’m not an imbecile.” 

    “Yes, God.” 

    “That’s better, I like a yes, Angel.” 

    “Metatron, who’s that with you?” 

    “Gabriel, the messenger, God.” 

    “Gabriel, the Messerschmitt you say.”  

    “No God, that’s Gabriel the Messenger.  Messerschmitt is an airplane, but he does fly like an airplane.” 

    “Airplane isn’t that something ahead in time?” 

    “Yes, God.” 

    “All this past, present, and ahead in time gets me confused.” 

     “Me too, God.” 

     “Me Three God.”  Gabriel chimed in.” 

    “Who cares about your opinion, Gabriel?” 

    “Yes, God, sorry, God.” 

     “I’ll give you credit, talking up like that, you got Balls…… no wait I took those from you Angels for those Toga parties and Orgies you all were having.” 

    “Metatron, Gabriel, just get your Hams up here.  You got half a heartbeat to get here, now move.” 

    “Well, that was Quick, Gabriel. What say you?” 

    “God, me and the other angels were thinking that maybe you could demote the pigs to the ground.  You know, take their wings from them.” 

    “Metatron.  Are you getting this down?” 

    “Yes, God.” 

    “Then where is your quill?  All I see is a short stick in your hand.” 

    “God, it’s a new type of writing instrument.” 

    “What type of music does it play, Jazz, Hip Hop, Country, Rock and Roll, or the Classics?” 

    “No God, it’s a writing instrument, it’s called a ballpoint pen.” 

    “A ball, what?” 

    “A ballpoint pen, God.” 

    “Balls, Balls, everyone is obsessed with Balls. Gabriel wants his balls back. There’s Sunday night, Monday night, and Thursday night football.  Metatron, do you know when the Packers meet my Chiefs again?”   

    “I’ll check my schedule, God.” 

    “Then there’s Baseball, Basketball, Bowling Balls, Soccer Balls, which is real football.         I could go on and on.” 

    Metatron whispered in Gabriel’s ear.  “Have a seat, this could take forever once God gets started.” 

    “Metatron, I heard that!  You don’t know what forever means.  Only Einstein and I know, and sometimes I wonder about him.” 

    “Know where was I,  O’Yea Ball less Ape Politicians on both sides of the aisle, and especially the Ball Less Ape Leader who paints his face Orange and pretends to know me……”   

    God pauses to catch his breath. 

    “Yes, God?” 

    “Don’t interrupt me, I’m just taking a short break.  But you don’t need a break, Metatron. You can get our boy Lucifer on the wire and tell him he’s going to need a lot of buses come Judgement Day for the Orange Faced Ape and his followers who worship him instead of Me.  

    “FOR I AM A JEALOUS GOD!” 

    “Metatron, add the last words to our list we’re making, you know the one with the Ten Commands in it.” 

    “Yes, God, it is written.  God, I have Lucifer on the wire. Any special instructions?” 

    “Yes, tell him to make a special place for the Ape leader that paints his face orange. 

     Here are the specifications: 

1. Total Darkness.
2. No sound.
3. No feeling, nothing to touch.
4. Wandering in total, nothing forever. 
5. Absolutely alone. 

     “And while I’m at it, I’ll answer the age-old question. “Does a Tree make a noise in the Forest when it falls?”   

    “No, because no one is there to hear it.  That’s how you deal with this Ape.  “Silents!” 

    “God, Lucifer just wired back he gives your plans two (2) Horns up.”  

    “Don’t tell me, Metatron, that fool didn’t go and grow horns, did he?” 

    “I don’t know, I’ll ask.” 

    “Did you grow horns?” 

    “He said yes, ones with curves in them like a mountain goat.  Wait,” he says, he painted himself red too. He’s laughing, he says it scares the Hell out of the stupid Apes, especially the ones that wear Red things on their heads.”  

    “He can’t be talking about my Kansas City Chiefs.”  

    “Lucifer, are you talking about God’s Chiefs?  No, He says No its some other minority group that wears Red things on their heads.” 

    “Metatron, tell him we’ll catch him on the down low.” 

    “God, he sends a High Five to you.” 

    “Old lucky Luc always trying to outdo me with the farewells.”  

    “Metatron, send this one to him.  Over your back with a Pole Cat and catch it by its tail.” 

    “Lucifer says he’ll try it.” 

    Twenty seconds or forty half seconds elapse. 

    “God’s message from Lucifer.” 

    “Read it back.  “You bastard, Pole Cats don’t have but nubby tails.  But they have sharp claws.  On my way to the Apes emergency room for sutures.” 

    “Metatron, I knew I created those Pole Cats with short tails and sharp claws for some reason.” 

    “God, are you ready to continue your conversation with Gabriel?” 

    “Not right now.  Tell Gab to take a short nap.” 

    “How long, God?” 

    “3,600 seconds should be just about right.” 

    “Okay, God.” 

    “No, wait, I really want to mess with him.  Tell him 3,600 seconds, but multiply by 2, making them half seconds.  Let me see that would be 2×600=1200, 2×3=6, carry the 1 over from the 1200, add that to the 6, that would be 7, bring the 200 over because I left the 1 with the 6, making that 7.  So, that would be 7,201 half seconds.  Metatron double check my figures.”                     

    “Yes, God.  2×3600 seconds equals 7,200 half seconds.” 

    “Metatron, how come your figures are different from mine?” 

    “Let me check God.  Crap, how am I going to get out of this one?” 

    “Metatron, did you say something?” 

    “Shuss’s God. I’m trying to figure.” 

    “Did you just shush me?” 

    “No God.  It’s a snake giving away apples.  Sssssss, Sssssss, Sssssss. 

    “Well, get rid of him, we don’t need any apples.” 

    “I’ll call Saint Patrick, he’ll drive him out.” 

    “Metatron, I just double checked my figures.  You’re right.” 

    “That can’t be right, God, you’re always right.” 

    “Metatron, there’s always a first time for everything.” 

    “But God, what should we do with that 1 half of a second?” 

    “I’ve got an idea.  We’ll add it to the Apes Doomsday clock, that will scare the Hell out of them.” 

    “That’s a great idea, God.” 

    “And tell them if they don’t get their Heads and Hams wired together, we will add ¼ of 1 second every time they screw up.” 

    “Another thing, tell them if we must, we’ll start all over again.  Except this time, no opposing thumbs, and we’ll give them just one eyeball in the middle of their foreheads.” 

    “Now tell Gab he has 7,200 half seconds to take a nap.  I’m going to go play a game of Putt-Putt.” 

    “God isn’t that like Miniature golf?” 

    “Yes, except without the windmills and water traps.” 

    “Okay, God.” 

    “Metatron, I almost forgot. See if you can find the multiplication sign on my keyboard. I can’t find it anywhere.  I had to use the lower-case x in my computations, that’s probably why I came up with that extra 1 half of a second. 

    “Yes, God, that’s probably why.  I’ll put that on my list.” 

    “And Metatron tell Uriel the Wisdom to meet me at the Putt-Putt course and bring his Abacus.  Those angle thingies are driving me crazy.” 

    “Yes, God will do.  Have fun, God.” 

    “Gab, God said to go take a nap for 7,200 half seconds.” 

    “Isn’t that …… let me see 7,200 reverse multiply by 2 equals 3,600 seconds, reverse multiply that by 60 minutes, and you get 1 hour. Thought you had me fooled, didn’t you?” 

    “Gab, you amaze me.  Is that some kind of new math?” 

    “Well, it’s new now, that I just invented it.  I figured if you can go forward, you can go reverse as well.” 

    “Gab, you just won another chicken dinner.  As a matter of fact, I’ll throw in Two Dirty Wooden Nickel’s.” 

    “What’s a Dirty Wooden Nickel?” 

    “I’m not quite sure.  But I keep seeing it used in these new authors’ novels.”  

    “So, he doesn’t tell you what a Dirty Wooden Nickel means?” 

    “Nope, I guess he wants the reader to figure it out.” 

    “So, what’s the name of this new Author?” 

    “I’m not at liberty to say right now, since he’s not in print yet.  But I’ve sent his manuscripts to Angel Chamuel, Promoter of Love, and Angel Jophiel, Inspiration and Beauty, she said he seems to be inspired to succeed.” 

    “I didn’t know Jophiel was a she.” 

    “Gab, open your eyes.  Who did you think God modeled Eve after?” 

    “Oh, I wondered why I felt funny whenever I was around her.” 

    “Gab, you’re so Naive, even though you’re the oldest Angel.” 

    “Em not.” 

   “Yes, you are.” 

     “Em not.” 

    “Yes, you are.” 

    “Em not.” 

    “Gab, this could go on forever.  Let’s just agree to disagree.” 

    “Okay.” 

    “Alright, what do you want, two chicken dinners, or Two Dirty Wooden Nickels?” 

    Gab thought and thought and thought a little more.  

    “Either, or, not both Metatron?” 

    “Either or, Gab.” 

    “I’ll take the Two Dirty Wooden Nickels.” 

    Metatron reached into the wooden chest made of Ebony and pulled out Two Dirty Wooden Nickel’s.  Placing them into Gab’s hands. 

    Gab looked down at the two dirty wooden nickels, his eyes filled with tears.   

    “I can see the meaning.” 

    “Gab, that’s your imagination.  That’s all the Author ever wanted.  You, too, just imagine what the possibilities are, just imagine.” 

    Gab placed the two dirty wooden nickels in his pocket, smiled, and said. 

    “Em not.”  

    “Go take a nap, Gab.  I’ll call you when God is ready to talk to you.” 

    Gab went over to the nearest corner of Heaven and lays down, falling asleep like an Angel. 

    Metatron walked over to his Scribe Table, looked at Gab, sleeping, and said. 

    “Yes, you are, and always we’ll be.” 

                                 III. 

    “Gab, Gab, wake up.” 

    “Jophiel?   

    “No, it’s Metatron, you must have been dreaming.  God’s ready to talk to you.” 

    Gabriel stood up and spread his wings.  Twelve feet tip to tip, feathers of pure white color.  He shook the wrinkles from his robe.  Making sure his appearance before God was respectful.  Metatron showed Gabriel to God’s Room it was vast in size beyond measurement. 

    God spoke first.  “Gabriel, you’re looking good. Did you get a long enough nap?” 

    “Yes, God.  Thank you.” 

    “My pleasure, Gabriel.  Did you have a nice dream?” 

    “Yes, God, Jophiel, and I went for a walk on the……” 

    “ Shussss, Gabriel.  You two went for a walk on the clouds. I know all things.” 

    “By the way, Metatron Shusssss is how snakes sound like.  Not Sssssss, Sssssss. 

    “Gabriel, last time we began this conversation, you asked me a question about grounding the pigs, taking their wings from them.” 

    “I know God, but I changed my mind.” 

    “So, you like the pigs now?” 

    “Well, not exactly God.  They still stink and fart while flying, but they don’t hurt anything. I can learn to get along with them.” 

    “I’m glad to see you’ve changed your mind, Gabriel.  But it’s too late.  While I was playing Putt-Putt with Uriel Angel of Wisdom, a group of pigs stopped by and began complaining to me about rumors that you and a few other Angels were spreading about the pigs.  I told them I would look into it.  But they said they didn’t want to stay where they weren’t wanted.  “I told them I wanted them to stay.  They said. “What about everyone else?”  I told them everyone had free choice, even them.” 

    God paused for a moment and wept ………… “I knew where they wanted to go.  But I still had to ask, for the record.  They said the Blue Ball is where they wanted to live.  I told them they would lose their wings and not be able to return.  They said they understood, they were good scroungers and would do fine living on the Blue Ball.”   

    “So, I granted what they wanted.  Azrael, Angel of Transition and Angel Ariel Nature Protector, are helping them get their things together right now.” 

    “Gabriel, do you understand now what you’ve done and why it’s too late?” 

    “Yes, God.  And I ‘am so sorry.” 

    “Gabriel, your transgression wasn’t against me, it was against the Pigs.  You need to apologize to the Pigs.  Take Raphael the Healing Angel with you and give your apology to them before they leave. A few may stay if they hear what you have to say.”  

    “We all have made transgressions against others.  Even I.” 

    “Michael Heavenly Warrior, are you here?” 

    “Yes, God.” 

    “Do you still have that Cowboy outfit?  I need to borrow it.” 

     “Sure, God, I have it right here.  Michael reached under his left Wing and pulled out a complete Cowboy outfit.  Here it is, God.” 

     God looked at Michael.  “Are you sure you’re not a Magician?” 

    “I do know a couple of card tricks.” 

    “Remind me not to play poker with you, Michael.” 

    “Metatron.” 

    “I’m going to be gone for a bit.  Tell Jesus, he’s in charge. 

    “Yes, God.”   

    Somewhere between Casper and Buffalo, Wyoming.  Daniel was watching the sunset.  When he saw it, not more than 300 feet away.  He dropped to his knees and yelled for Catherine, Daniel, Martha, John, come here quick.  They all came running out of the house. Catherine reached him first. 

    “Are you okay, Daniel?”   

    “You won’t believe what I just saw.” 

    “What Daniel?” 

    “A Pig with wings in a Cowboy outfit flying due North towards Mary’s bluff.” 

    “Are you okay?”  Catherine asked again. 

    “I believe you, Dad.” 

    Daniel pulled them both to him. 

   “I knew he was out there.”  

   “Who Daniel? Who?” 

   “GOD.”        

            Just use your imagination, anything is possible!