Convoy Is Leaving

The engines are already turning.
Dust lifts from the road
like breath rising from the earth.

Convoy is leaving.

And still she pauses
to send a handful of light
across the distance.

It is okay, she says,
to not have the answer.

You have always been too hard
on the questions of your own heart.
None of us hold every answer
in the palm of our hand.

But you, Sunshine—
you reach for answers
not from the mind alone
but from the quiet chambers
of heart and soul.

One of the bravest things
a person can do
is to walk forward
into the unknown.

To feel fear.
To acknowledge it.
And still continue.

Regardless.

Do not sell yourself short,
My Only Love.

THE STRENGTH OF THE BACK IS FASHIONED BY THE WEIGHT OF THE BURDEN.

When the road feels heavier for you
than it seems for others,
do not think the heavens are punishing you.

Sometimes the clearest sign
that creator trusts a soul
is the weight placed upon its shoulders.

You are one tough hedgehog-fucker,
she says with a smile he can hear
even through the screen.

You were made
to endure more
than most.

Since we were children—
fifteen and seventeen—
you have placed yourself
in harm’s path
not where love was easiest
but where love
was needed most.

Do not stop trying to cry.
You will get there someday.

Tears are a gift
paid out slowly
for the price of pain.

And suffering—
remember what you told me
from Rumi—

there is a hidden gift in it.

It is called mercy.

Remember what Kimímela taught you,
your Tiny Flutterbye,
long before war
and long before loss:

that grief itself
is one of the greatest gifts
The Great Mystery gives.

Nothing brings a person
closer to creator
than a heart
that mourns deeply.

And remember always
that old Miniconjou wisdom
you loved so much—

Our sorrows dig the well
that the waters of our joy later fill.

Joy and sorrow
are not enemies.

They are mirrors.

The deeper sorrow digs
the wider the well grows
for gratitude
for breath
for light
for the smallest mercy.

Those who have everything
sometimes feel nothing.

But hardship—
hardship teaches the hands
to hold joy carefully.

And remember this too,
my Słoneczko:

no loss is permanent
for those who believe.

This earth
is only the waiting room
for eternity.

So do not forget it.

Not ever.

Now listen closely.

A clear mission
does not always
have a clear path.

Just keep being yourself.

Let life happen
to you
and for you.

Do not try to cage
every mystery.

Too much control
strangles wonder.

Time solves
more things
than despair ever admits.

So read these words again
when hope feels thin.

Read them years from now
when the road seems endless.

And remember—

❤ + ❤ = US

Even across distance.
Even across time.

Even across the long road
between Grandmother Earth
and the World of the Spirits.

~       ~       ~       ~       ~       ~

11 April 2024, 05:32, Kiki’s last SMS message… it’s like she just knew somehow:

“Convoy is leaving, but also to remember, it is okay to not have the answer. You always are so hard on yourself in this regard, but none of us have all the right answers all of the time, and you Sunshine, you have the right answer more often than you ever suspect you do. Trust your wife on this. You don’t take the answer from your mind, but your heart & soul. One of the bravest things we can do is boldly embrace the unknown, accept our fear, and continue to move forward… *regardless*. Don’t sell yourself short My Only Love; THE STRENGTH OF THE BACK IS FASHIONED BY THE WEIGHT OF THE BURDEN, it really is, so when you might feel that Our Lord is picking on you because you look around and see that others don’t have the same level of pains or losses in life, remember, THAT is the most clear of signs that God *really* does believe you deeply, and made you one very tough hedgehog-fucker, and they made you to be able to endure more than perhaps others can!! But also NEVER forget that no life is without pain, okay you? As long as I’ve known you, since I was 15, you 17, you have always put yourself in harm’s way, and put your love not where you wanted to put it, but where it was needed most, husband so dear of mine. Don’t be afraid to keep trying to cry, either. It will come back to your someday, I PROMISE that. Tears are a gift given in exchange for our pains in life that we all endure. And there is a hidden gift in suffering, and it is called mercy, as Rumi wrote and you shared with me. Remember what your Tiny Flutterbye Kimímela taught you way back when, that the Oyate, the Lakȟóta people consider grief the *greatest* of all gifts The Great Mystery can gift to a person because nothing at all brings one closer to Them than when we are in deepest mourning. Is true! I thought when you first told, that is crazy talking, and make a victim of sad feel even worse of it, but I now I see the truth in it, and I sorry so that I make an argument on you about it (whoopsies daisies on me, as it is usual!) And remember that favourite of yours of all the Miniconjou proverbs always, keep in firmly carved right into the very surface your heart, the one you repeated to me so often, in kindly way, not instructive way, after our baby girl was murdered by Orc Iskandar: “Our sorrows dig the well that the waters of our joy later fill in”, and that is so very true Słoneczko, joy and sorrow only exist in relative to each other… the deeper the sorrow we experience in life, the great our gratitude and appreciation for even the tiniest things just grows and grows. The idle rich who have everything, which is the entire West in a way, say compare to sub-Saharan Africa, all is relative, maybe the rates of depression are so high because some periodic deprivation is a GOOD thing, NOT a bad thing… deprivation makes us appreciate what we have, rather than living walled off from the world by dollar and euro. We need to experience hardship to appreciate those good things; that is why you and I bring so little when we go hikig and camping for weeks… we need sorrow as that vital point of comparison, like in the book you lent me that I’m half-way though, “The Comfort Crisis”. And no loss is permanent if you are a believer as we are right? Uŋčí Makhá is just like waiting room for Eternity, and don’t you EVER forget that, mister!! Now, pretty-pretty-Polski-princess please, may it be that read these last most closely of all, and I mean in future times, too, as I write them to be read again and again in years to come even when it feels like every last drop of hope is melting away from you: A clear mission does not always have a clear path, if you understand? And I know you do from tactical, but I mean life-mission more. Just keep doing *you*, and let life happen *to* you, and *for* you, for if you try to control too much it beats all the mystery out of life, does it not my Słoneczko? Time works out many, MANY things we often think so hopelessly unfixable, that to remember, too, maybe to remember more than anything else in this SMS. ❤+❤=US”