Dear Mom,
I know you are in heaven and I wouldnt want you to read this even if you could, but talking into the void seems to help, I miss being able to call you.
Anyway, you should know I failed miserably yesterday, I got drunk and made an ass out of myself, luckily hes a good man and tolerates my bullshit, but I miss you, and I think im sinking. You’d be very disappointed, I have no desire to sing anymore, the art, the poetry, hell I cant even remember basic punctuation and structure to even pour out my feelings so others might relate and I feel a little less alone in the universe. I didnt plow a garden this year, I no longer feed my birds, I just dont give a damn if the yard is mowed and honestly im thinking about selling all my animals, I just feel lost in life. I think the most devastating effect of such great loss is ive quit seeking God like I used to. I love him, I just dont understand everything. I lost you then dad, and I cant even process all that still, so yesterday when the alcohol set in, at first flowers looked brighter, the birds singing resonated like sunshine in my soul, I was singing and visualizing poetry as we rode along the creek, I should’ve stopped there and went home, but when have I ever done what I should? So I downed another three, I just didnt want to feel the weight of brokenness anymore, the sting was worth the escape, even if it was for just an hour or two. Ive never in my life been a mean drinker, but I am however guilty of hitting a point where I feel everything, laughter, sadness, and until last night I dont think I ever really grieved you. I am sober this morning and still broken, I dont understand this cruel world, I know God has a purpose for everything, but I cant understand all of this. You know how it was growing up, I dont feel like there’s ever been a moment in my life where my joy was ever on time. The war was always bigger than the life happening in front of me, my heart and mind has always been in fight or flight, and after all this I dont even know how to come back from the weight of it all anymore. I cried last night, not just a normal cry, I felt your absence in the depth of my soul, he held me for three hours, I feel sorry for him, I honestly pray I die so he can move on find someone who is not broken, an easy love, he deserves so much better. Anyway, im tired and just needed to vent, I miss you momma, I know only God can help repair me, but will you ask him why its taking so long? I pray every day only to be left in the agony of the feeling of loss, im losing purpose, and I know its such bullshit because I have so many blessings around me to be thankful for. I dream of you alot, those are bitter sweet, sometimes I hate waking up. Please, ask God to help me, you know I do things alone…I dont want to feel so alone anymore.
Love,
Anna
Let it out, write it down. It’s good therapy.
Your letter is one that yanks at the reader’s heart. We feel it. Your effort isn’t wasted.
Life is not ages, it’s phases, that sometimes go back and forth, like a ferris wheel. Sometimes at the top, sometimes at the bottom. But it keeps turning. So stick with it.
you’re going to be okay as long as you write. The good will come.
Thank you Styxian, keeping hold of the things we love through the weight of grief is almost also a war in itself. Thank you friend for all the encouraging words and taking time out to read.
Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”.
Your story reads as a testimony filled with raw emotions of grief, depression and loneliness. Within your own words, you acknowledged that there is an angel in your mist; “luckily hes a good man” and “he held me for three hours”. An angel can comfort. An angel can encourage.
When I’m lost I turn to music; a place where I can find solace and encouragement. Yet, also identity with; knowing someone else can relate to what I’m going through. Within the word encouragement, resides the word “Courage”. Others can provide encouragement. However, “Courage” must originate from within. These are the songs that come to me; the first allows me to relate and acknowledge the emotions you have expressed; Gilbert O’Sullivan “Alone Again (Naturally). The second song offers encouragement; Donna Summer “Nether Lands”. The third song; Mathew West “Truth Be Told” is solace in that we are not alone in what we are going through. Courage to overcome and persevere.
Angel Louise,
Last night in the middle of my tossing and turning, I picked up my phone to check the time and also seen the notification for your comment, all the screen would let me read unless I opened the stars rite site completely was “He is near the broken hearted and crushed in spirit” This scripture you sent replayed like audible words in my mind every time i woke up after that. Thank you for reminding me of that verse, I guess sometimes we dont feel worthy so acknowledging hes still there while ones drunk and handling life poorly is unfathomable. But your words reminded me hes a good and loving God, and we are his children even in our short comings. So thank you greatly for taking time to read and comment, those words truly did bring my heart peace last night when I couldnt sleep.