I think of you often
for all the wrong reasons
and maybe a couple of right ones
the right ones that you discarded
because they felt insincere
have never stopped haunting me
if my obsession wasn’t obvious
my affections should have at least
been spared your anxious pruning
the mortal fear of believing love
could bloom in the dankest of crevices
that, years of friendship could outlive
the conspiracy in your head, instead.
I was heart broken
truly felt like the knife couldn’t go
any deeper even if i wanted it to
bad enough to make me celibate
good enough to keep me celibate
it only lasted as long as it had to
I was saved, but not for the sake of it
soon I found myself right where it ended
the words you left me with still ringing
like wedding bells in my head
coveting you, comforting you,
supporting you, scolding you,
being loved and then rejected, by you.
I am stricken thoroughly
I wish there was a way out of this
I don’t deserve it and I should be mad
at you, at me, at the universe
but I long for it, for all of you
the madness and chaos you breed
masking intellect that supersedes
your crown of humility and modesty
I miss the voice of your words
and the strength they exude
the scars of your soul, your unrelenting drive
and everything I couldn’t be, or hold.
hello dearest Thriteen you’re from the underground I must know you… this is powerful I don’t know if you ever read me…my memory isn’t good and the last year I was going through hell…this write is full of passion and anyone would love to be wanted this way ❤️
Hey Crimsin, yes I am. And yes, I have read you.
I believe I also had maybe one or more of your works on my reading list from way back in the day. I fell off the reading wagon somewhere along the line and just limited myself to expressing.
Sorry to hear about your tribulations. If it is any solace, physics just (back in 2022) proved that our universe is not locally real, it’s all a generative simulation of our experiences taking shape. Even the hell we feel, believe it or not, is all self inflicted. Either from the present, our past, or our previous iteration (past life). And strangely enough through vipassana (my first course on April 8th) I realised that if I simply observe all my sensations, good or bad — without judging them, without craving or being averse to them, — they all disappear. We’ve learned to live with ignorance of the truth, ‘all things are impermanent’, even the hell we go through. If you get the chance to, I highly recommend experiencing vipassana for yourself for the 10 day course. Even if you never practice it in daily life after.
As for this poem, the person I wrote this for doesn’t feel any intimacy towards me. haha
This rings so true. It’s crazy how we talk to ourselves when we are going through heartbreak. But when I read this kind of work, I feel grateful for the read and understanding of someone else’s pain. Being able to write it down so eloquently and honestly isn’t easy. Great write.
Thank you so much for stopping by. I remember your name from DUP as well.
Well, the feelings were true and the clarity you gain from being completely honest with yourself is unparalleled.
I’ve tried to pen that as neatly as I could.