Dumbstruck several weeks in,
as thoughts, words, events and emotions
coalesce in a mass of disbelief and confusion;
years’ worth of events to process as life revs in neutral;
someone asks, “how are you REALLY doing?”
As yet unable to formulate thoughts
concerning different spheres of functioning –
physical, mental, practical, emotional, interpersonal –
for now, life seems most like a vivid work of fiction,
lurching wildly between scenes;
a dark, unpredictable melodrama
whose calmer paragraphs enable comfort,
a pause for breath,
before jerking the reader back to the proverbial rollercoaster;
a nightmarish story where bad dreams are preferable
to waking up and turning the to the next page,
content unknown, but tragedy always present.
Chapter One: Setting the Scene—
urgency, emergency;
functioning on autopilot
while attempting to navigate
a life that surely wasn’t mine.
Chapter Two: Facing Reality—
in our minds, we knew.
Enclosed in a warm, supportive bubble,
upheld by people, love and science
while the rest of the community grieved.
Chapter Three: Keeping Busy.
Making arrangements,
writing a book,
reading letters and messages,
perusing old photos and videos
with a side of Winter Olympics.
Looking at the situation head-on
was far too hard, and much too big.
Chapter Four: The Void.
Screaming devastation took hold;
the brain’s inability to grasp the loss
of somebody so important and precious.
I sat in her room, crying an ocean
and begging her to return.
Chapter Five: Being Brave.
One foot in front of another,
we planned the best service
and the best party we could give her.
Taking time, effort and focus,
the looming date required acknowledging the loss
while beginning to move forward.
Chapter Six: A Barren Landscape.
I finally realised
she was not going to return after her service and party.
It was time to take the first tentative steps
into a new reality, bleak as it looked.
Every thought I had about the future
now needed reimagining.
Hopes and dreams lay crushed
along with our broken hearts,
and somehow the earth still turns.
First of all, sorry for your loss.
A heart-touching piece. Some lines reminded me of when my father passed away. Seeing dreams that he was still alive. And while awake seeing people that looks like him…
Thanks for sharing this one. “)
hello lovely poetess there are tears in my eyes for you …I’ve been in those phases…when I lost my son I kept remembering him as a baby and asking God why I had so little time with him…I know he won’t be returning but I still say prayers for his well being…hugs lovely lady none of us should face this but we do…I just keep going I don’t know what else to do and crying in the shower because people feel I should let go of my grief…I finally realized I would have moments of happiness in between and that’s the best I can hope for…my thoughts are with you may you find pieces of peace ❤️
Hello Ellie.
This is as beautiful a write as it is heart breaking. (Just know you always have support here)
I really like the order of this, in that you structured it how you probably dealt with it at the time. It reads so powerfully.
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is good to see you, even if under sad terms.
Write through it all. It helps, a lot.
Thank you. It’s all still so raw. L died in tragic circumstances in February. She was only 17. I miss her so much, but have just started to write again to help me process things.
Everyone who loses someone should read this to know what grief is. I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Ellie. This one pulls at the heartstrings my friend. Thank you for sharing such a personal write with us, this one illustrates how grief truly works. A very powerful write. Appreciate you.
Damian
Chère E.,
I hope that others, more fluent in your language, have the right words at their disposal to give you the support you need.
I read your writes in the DUP and will continue doing so here.
No one deserves this kind of loss.
And what a lovely photo you posted.
Please stay strong.
Warm regards, Gus
Each step of this transient thing we call life has its own taste of pain. I send you love, which is all I have to give.
There’s a moment in grief where realization hits like a brick…it’s always going to be different now. You captured that so perfectly. It’s more than a vacancy, it’s a new reality unexpected and unwanted. My heart is with you in your loss. 💔
Hi Elle.
I just read this. Im so so sorry. There are no words that help process loss.
All I can say is your life was blessed in having the time you did I have.
My aunt lost her two son and her husband within two years time.
She is now getting to the point where she thinks about them without crying all the time.
When she prays she occasionally will light them a candle.
She doesn’t talk about it but I think it gives her a sense of peace.
That’s what I’m wishing for you in time. A sense of peace when it feels unbearable.
Until then god bless.