Edited

“Because you suck.”

I bet you, you don’t hear something like that too often, especially in front of a crowd at Barnes and Noble.

She was sitting next to one of her new rising authors watching her sign her latest romance novel. There were more than a dozen or so eager readers trying to get their books signed and I was third in row that day. When it was my turn to present my copy I turned to the left and finally looked her in the face and said, “Hi Miss Fontaine. My name is Sam Hefner. I sent you copies of my manuscript several times, however I still haven’t received a reply from you yet.” I watched to see if her face would give me a sign of annoyance or she was going to call for the security.

Natalie Fontaine, one of the emerging stars in the book editing business in the Big Apple, looked into my eyes, smiled before reprimanding me in front of all those people. I swear I heard a giggle from the lady forth in row behind me. I didn’t look back to check.

Now, anyone who gets scolded in such a manner would have ran tail and limped out of the bookstore. Ooo, noo, not me. I was a salesman before I turned into an amateur writer much like millions of dreamers out there. So my business mindset kicked in and I stood my ground to face this lady’s onslaught. Besides, I flew all the way from Houston and I wasn’t going to give up just because I could not get a meeting with Miss Fontaine, whoever she think she is. I had figured the only way to see who this lady thinks she is, is by catching her with her client in one of those book signing events. And that was how I ended up third in row in a book signing event holding a copy of a novel I haven’t even read.

“Well, aren’t you the famous book editor?” I finally had the courage to reply. “Isn’t it your job to make me unsuck?”

From the sound of that squeal behind me, the forth lady in row must have fainted. Still, I didn’t look back to check.

Natalie Fontaine remained silent for a few seconds, looking me up then down before she finally stood up with the astonishment of all those people in that long row. She handed me her business card and said, “come to my office tomorrow morning Mr. Hefner.” She followed that with a smirk that revealed those beautiful green eyes which I hadn’t even noticed before. “Let’s see how we can make you unsuck.” I also haven’t noticed her beautiful dark olive skin and lean figure, wrapped in that green business suite, and that wavy long red hair, that swirled down on her shoulders. I felt a shiver run up my spine right there and then. Still, I stood my ground, took her card and tried to walk out of Barnes and Noble, head high although my heart was pounding a thousand miles an hour.

“She said for you to wait for her, Mr Hefner,” Jane, Miss Fontaine’s secretary, told me for the third time that day. I had been waiting since nine in the morning in her office admiring the view from the forty second floor on Fifth and Thirty Fourth street. By four in the afternoon Jane and I were on first term basis. “I hope she doesn’t make me work late today,” Jane sighed. “Charlie can’t make a spaghetti to feed the kids if his life depended on it.” By six I already knew the names of Jane’s three kids and her two Siamese cats.

Suddenly the intercom rang and Miss Fontaine’s voice echoed her final order of the day, “JANE….You can go home for the night.” Jane and I were the only ones still lingering in that reception room.

“What about Sam? Ehmmm… Mr Hefner,” Jane asked. “Should I tell him to leave as well?”

An awkward silence followed until finally Miss Fontaine replied, “no. Tell him to come into my office and I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Good night Jane.”

Miss Natalie Fontaine’s office wasn’t too big. Although it felt even smaller with hundreds of books and manuscripts stacked on the floor, as well as on her desk. She was leaning back in her chair with her legs on one of the books on her desk while reading a manuscript in her hand. I recognized mine the instant I stepped into her office. She was half way through it, which wasn’t very encouraging. “Sit,” she ordered and continued reading. I wanted to sit if only I could manage to remove the books on the only chair in the room.

If I knew better I would have thought this lady didn’t like me. For ten minutes she continued reading as I sat there fidgeting in the chair trying hard not to look at her dark long legs, black ivory skin and her red nailed toes wiggling in front of me. I was almost about to stand up and walk away when she said, “this really sucks,” she suddenly said. “You don’t know how to spell, and your grammar is worse than a ten year old.”

Now, I knew better. This lady definitely doesn’t like me. I finally stood up and was about to turn around. What she said stopped me in my tracks before she said, “but you do have something going for you.”

“And what might that be?”

The famous editor finally smiled to reveal her divine verdict, “you sure have balls.”

“Seriously,” I wanted to strangle the woman. “Balls?! You made me wait all day to tell me about that?” This time I did turn around but before I did I had to give her one last piece of my mind. “By the way I have two of those in case you didn’t know.”

Suddenly she burst out laughing like she was in a comedy show. After she finally managed to breath from that giggling episode she said, “but seriously, I do admire your dedication and persistent.”

“Seriously? Miss Fontaine… My persistence? That’s it?”

Miss Fontaine stood up and said, “oh no.” Then she added, “that’s not it Mr Hefner. By the way we need to change that as well. The Hefner name is a marketing buzz kill these days.”

“Oh so now you don’t like my name,” I was about to burst. “Can you at least tell me one thing you like about me? Other than my balls that is.”

My last remark stifled another short snicker before she said, “look Sam.” Now she was using my first name. “If I didn’t think you had something here, I wouldn’t have given you my business card yesterday.” She finally started to give me a little credit. “So yes, I do like your story. I also like the way you sprinkle subtle humor into your writing. So yes, I do believe you are a good storyteller unfortunately you suck at writing and that’s where I come in.”

I was halfway out the door before those last words stopped me. I finally turned around and asked, “and how do you propose we do that?”

“Well, first you have to take me out to dinner because I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday and I’m starving, and then we will see how we can make you suck.”

“You mean unsuck?”

“Mmmm… yes that too.”

I should have known how the night with the lady who uses the words “balls” and “suck” in the same conversation would eventually end. I don’t know how we ended up in her place. Maybe it was the combination of lasagna and wine, or those mesmerizing green eyes piecing out of a dark skinned woman, a genetically impossible combination of high improbabilities. But we finally ended up where she said I needed to be, unsucking that which needed to be sucked and she was thrashing and moaning all the way to her final conclusion.

Of course sucking was still on the menu that night and she did say I had balls. I didn’t know balls could be unsucked this way. How she managed to almost swallow those in her mouth as she stroked my cock was another impossible combination. This woman was full of surprising improbabilities. By ten that night we were all sucked dry to even talk about it.

“Do you invite home all your clients on the first night?” I had to ask to make sure we were on the same page.

Natalie smiled and said, “oh no. Only those that suck.”

Damn… If only I knew, I would have sent her my other book manuscripts. I have a few of those and they all suck.

And that is how I ended up edited by the best editor in the business… 

P.S.  This short story was actually edited by Fia Naturie