Critique of Night of the Living Dead

1. Critique of Night
   of the Living Dead…

I hadn’t had a tv set
in nearly two years.
My neighbor was moving
out and I saw him in the hall
carrying his TV. “I told him
to be careful as he was on the
stairs. He laughed and said it
was going in the dumpster –
recyling laws or not!!!

The speaker was shot. He said
I could get it fixed, bluetooth a
headset or watch it with captions.
I took it! The picture was beautiful.
I had no bluetooth headphones so
until I could get it fixed – I would
watch shows with captions.

The first night, I chose Night of the
Living Dead (1968). The captions
made me actually watch the screen
more intently – so I noticed more.
The drive into the cemetary reminded
me of the cemetary in Lockport where
my grandmother was buried.

Dying must have been cheaper 60
years ago as all the rest of my family
has been cremated with the $295
coupon special. I have 6 urns here!
Somed loved ones and others I
desecrate from time to time.

They show the couple in the car and
I immediately get Rocky Horror Picture Show vibes. The dude is such a fucking dork. He thinks smoking makes him cool but he is wearing My Three Son “Ernie” glasses and sporting a pocket protector.
He places a plaque on the grave as sister
watches. Lol today she’d be checking
a cellphone! Yeah, I was drinking!!!

The dork had a polka dot tie and was
wearing…driving gloves! First zombie
shows up – and it’s not night! Title:
Night of the Living Dead! They should
come out at night or at least the first
one. Note to self – I ain’t ever visiting
Grandma! Dork fights with zombie because zombie wants blonde girl.
Dork hits his head on a gravestone.

They could have spiced it up with
the three stooges! Girl runs and trips
(doesn’t that always happen)? She
loses her HIGH HEELED SHOES – so she
is “dumb blonde” and I’m getting
hammered! She locks herself in the car.
I guess “dorky” has the keys. The
zombie is cool. Not the Walking Dead
kind…he can think enough to pick up
a heavy rock and bash in a window.

So campy! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE
THREE STOOGES? She does find keys
and drives with zombies clinging to the door. Already I like him better than the siblings. She gets out and runs and falls some more. Should have driven away!
She sees a old house. I’m thinking the
cemetary caretaker. Why go there?
I’m drunk and thinking more clearly!!!

Inside the house she finds a knife. Phone
don’t work. Zombie approaching. He
actually looks better than most Walmart shoppers nowadays. Two more zombies!
She does the ultimate cliche and heads
upstairs instead of out another door.
No, neither of the two new zombies
is a stooge! I’m laughing so hard that
I piss myself a little! I pause the movie.

Hard drugs and some other people would
be awesome right now but not my
reality. My clothes are tossed in the tub
and I just put on my robe. Back to the
movie! This flick made a ton of money!
$30 million and cost a hundred grand to
make. I think the picture quality of
my phone is superior. I should film
a whole bunch of oddballs and make
my own film. Remember, I’m drunk!

Rotted dead lady upstairs is first gross
event in the movie. Back downstairs
she runs out the back door almost into
the arms of a handsome black guy.
My how progressive for 1968! That
impresses me. Now, it either needs to
turn into a porno or bring on the stooges!
Not gonna happen. But the movie rating
system came out shortly after this movie.

Replay…Ben tries the phone and finds the body. Low budget. Where are the stooges? Ben goes outside to
uselessly beat on dead zombies. He
needs Darryl from Walking Dead to
teach him something. Blondie cries
while a new zombie exits a closet.
I open my 4th beer (of the movie…not
the day) and chug it back. I’ve called
friends but they are busy. Damn!

The dude goes back in the house and
saves blondie by shoving his tire iron
into new zombie’s head. This one might
be a goner. The others outside will
likely return. I wish I had written this
movie! There would be stooges and lots of sex! Im waiting on the dork guy to
reappear as a zombie. I pause again
and this time tinkle appropriately in
my toilet. The blond should have
pissed herself by now! It would
improve the story ala Jamie Lee Curtis!

Nobody reality checked this flick at
all. Dude takes house zombie out the
door and with one match and no
accelerant makes zombie burst into
flames! Right outside and too close
to the house. Four more zombies!
Of course we are at a cemetary!

Dude starts barricading doors. Blonde
stumbles around shell shocked. Some
of the zombies have more life and
thought processes than her. This should have been a porno with all the dead taking turns with her.

Some scenes wouldn’t fly today. She struggles to leave the house and he stops
her. She swats at him and he slugs her and knocks her out!!! Surprised there wasn’t a revolt back in 1968! Black man punches white woman! If you like watching someone trap themself and a stranger in a house by nailing inner door and tables to outer doors – this boring movie is for you!

Must have been the best they could do for excitement before the Internet and
two girls one cup. Psycho (1960) was shocking for it’s day but Carrie (16 years later) bled a bit more! I laugh as Ben also lights up a smoke to be cool. Where the fuck is the dorky guy? And despite it’s success – the stooges could have saved this movie! Moe poking out eyes and Curly going “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk”! Maybe Larry gets turned and stalks the
other two!

To make up for punching her out – dude finds a pair of shoes (probably a dead person’s shoe) and puts them on Blondie’s feet. Fit perfectly! Take that Al Bundy! Even he would be an bigly improvement to this snooze flick! He would have been 22 in 1968. Almost forgot, dude found a rifle and ammo!

Twenty minutes of nailing for naught as two non-zombies easily push their way into the house. Still no real story! Three guys one girl – I’m betting for gore and a
shooting! I hope, anyway! Adding two more men only added bickering. Blondie is still shell shocked (or fucking very low
IQ)! Scary hands try to break in and a zombie takes 3 bullets. There are 20 or so outside moving slowly toward the house. Slowly, because the movie can’t end in 15 minutes – so there’s useless filler! Finally, a bareass zombie female! Another eats tree bark and faces are more rotted!

Now there is a family, two couples young and old and a little girl who isn’t well. I hope someone dies soon! Older dude also smokes to look cool. Older lady has the most sense of the entire group – so, of course she smokes! I piss myself
laughing again. Robe goes into the laundry and I sit as bareass as a zombie
on my couch!

They get a TV working and the news talks of flesh eating recently dead coming back
to life. THERE ARE SHELTERS! They flash across the screen and one is in Butler! I
think I’d skip that one! The seven now have to decide if they should head that way! The young couple kiss as he heads off to pump gas for an old truck. Foreshadowing his likely death. First time watching it. Freddy Krueger was a better villian than all these slow moving living dead!

A zombie in a hospital gown and another in boxer shorts stumble around outside
while older guy tries to lob molotov cocktails out an upstairs window. Young guy and girl and the black Ben make it to the truck to drive to the backyard pump.
Zombies chase, some burn – it almost looks like a chase scene from Benny Hill.
He would have been good in this movie.

They reach the pump but accidentally set
the truck on fire. The young couple drives away from the pump and go BOOM!
Still waiting to see Blondie’s dorky brother show up! 5 left now! Ben makes it to the house and thecold guy is too scared to let him in. There are dozens of zombies
right behind him! Ben kicks in the door and then pounds the shit out of old white dude. I was cheering! I still want to see someone eaten! And it happens! The
young couple are fully cooked and the zombies feast! Go zombies go!

Another sighting of the naked zombie’s ass. I wonder if zombies fuck? They seem to have some reasoning skills. Blondie mentions brother Johnny’s car. Giving them new hope. Yeah right! I still want to see that dork return!!!

The zombies are called ghouls in this movie. Why not zombies? Better than “walkers” but damn. I take a pee break
before finishing the last 15 minutes! I need extreme action, more death and the dork to reappear. Maybe he’ll be in his car? Last chance for him to return.

Absurd! The power just went off but there is sunlight shining inside but I just
saw it was dark outside. Yep, low budget.
I ponder making a zombie hooker movie
with just my phone camera! Hmmm?
Maybe I could have every female pee themselves?

Zombies attack the house. Ben and old white guy struggle for the gun. The old guy is shot. He collapse in the basement. The mom is almost grabbed but Blondie helps in a moment of clarity. Mom heads to the basement to find her daughter chewing on Dad! Zombie in da house. Maybe this should have been a musical?

Dead daughter (about 8 years old) Lizzie
Bordens mommy! For a moment we are back to just Blondie and Ben. Then a hoard zombies burst through the door including dorky bro and she hugs him and they drag her outside for their version of
a happy meal!

The house is overrun and the Ben barricades himself stupidly in the basement. He has to re-kill the older couple but he survives til morning. Rescue crews search out “ghouls” and
spot Ben in a window and shoot him dead.

All in all, a sucky movie that was different and therefore “Blair Witched” before it’s time! Now, should I film Zombie Hookers From Buffalo? Lol. It would be cool to make if I had the cash! I don’t.