Journal Entry #2 Memoir Maybe?

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to go back in time a little  before I can move forward with my journal entries, just to kind of set the atmosphere of each individual im writing about from this point on, the history if you will.

So, here goes nothing…Get ready for some beautiful crazy baggage! 

I was born in the year 1981 in Abington Virginia, my parents were Russ and Donna Miller, my mom was the ripe old age of only seventeen, and my dad 18, both just kids themselves, both by no standards ready to be a mother or father, but then again that’s just my unprofessional opinion. I guess because I had to be parented by the two, but Im sure in their own hearts at that time they played out the scene very well, dad would work to provide for his growing family, mom would keep the house, raise babies and tend to the cooking. However, none of those scenarios would actually play out in the thick reality of it all, no, the chaos started long before I was even born. You see mom had actually gotten pregnant before having me, both of my parents were singers, they met in church, my dad’s dad was a local evangelist and my mom a regular every Wednesday and Sunday at the little country church where they met. My moms family had attended that church for years, I remember her telling me the story of how she had prayed to God all the time about the qualities she would like in a husband one day. He would be tall, blonde (look like Richard Carpenter) he would have a passion for music just like she did, and every time she would tell me this story her mouth would contort into a weird reluctant smile when she would get to the part where he walked in and she knew instantly she would marry that man, and every time I couldnt help but wonder if a part of her still loved him deeply. Anyhow, here we are, a baby on the way, a wedding being planned, and the hopes for a beautiful future in the works.

Dad soon got a job at the local Burger Chef, however not even a month into working he started not coming home after his midnight shifts were over, mom told me she would sit all alone in their new trailer, trying to decorate and get things ready for her upcoming wedding and baby, all the while every morning instead of coming home dad would make his way to his best friends house to “play music” She would tell me how she begged him to take her with him, after all she loved music just like he did. However he would always  dismiss her with the usual “its all guys there” why would you want to be there with other guys? Now as a fully grown adult woman myself, I know it was called gaslighting, but a man should never underestimate a woman’s intuition, or maybe Devine protection, especially when shes trying hard to do everything right by him. So early one morning after dad’s midnight shift and expected call to say he was going to practice music at his buddies house, mom made a phone call of her own, and she would soon be taking a ride that would be the beginning of a cliff jump for the whole trajectory of the relationship. 

All I was told about that day was that my grandma picked my mom up that morning and they made their way to my dad’s “buddies” house where she most definitely wouldnt be asking permission to come in…no knocking, no warning, no phone call…and as soon as she barged through that door, there stood dad with his female friend that mom had prior suspicions about, the same female that dad adamantly disputed that there was anything going on with and mom was just acting crazy from pregnancy hormones. 

Knowing my mom, I could only imagine the rage fit that ensued in that place at that moment, the aftermath though? When my grandma finally pulled her from her rightful hysterics and got her back into the car, the only thing mom said she could feel was death, and that everything for her in that moment got shattered, her home, her husband, and what of the new baby on the way?

As my grandma tried to calm her down, reminding her that shes pregnant, I guess my mom was numb and blinded by the hurt in her soul, because she then opened the car door at three months pregnant, going seventy miles per hour down the interstate and without hesitation jumped onto that open highway.  It was a story mom told me with regret heavy in her voice, emotions got the best of her that day (rightfully so) but her split decision to jump from that car would not take her life as she was anticipating, but yet take the life of her unborn baby.

To be continued…