unburied

woke mid breath
like I’d been caught
in the middle of leavin
like my body knew he was there
before I did

and the fuckin smell
his cologne clingin to the air
like it owned the room
mixed with a sting of whiskey
burnin on his breath
the way it once did on mine
just two drunks
tryin to outdrink different ghosts

I don’t see his face
just the feelin
the weight
the heat of him
pressed into the dark
behind my eyes
the way shadows sharpen
when he’s close

the room feels too small
walls too close

corners filled with too many shadows
and I know better
than to stay inside
feet cold on tile
lighter in my palm
joint tucked behind my ear
ritual made of muscle memory
panic on autopilot

slide out the back door
the world doesn’t welcome me
doesn’t ask questions
doesn’t care that I’m shaken
just nods
like it’s not surprised I’m here again

the pool’s water is still
not calm
just kinda hollow
like the surface forgot how to feel
it doesnt move
just holds onto my reflection
I wonder if it knows
I’m already halfway gone

I sit low
against the side of the house
back against stone
knees to my chest
joint to my lips

drag
hold
exhale

again
again
again

it tastes like survival
burnt and bitter
but real
tryin to warm my chest
to fill it with breath
that doesn’t belong
but keeps showin up anyway

he’s dead
but not in my dreams
there
he’s still breathin
still smilin
still fuckin touchin what he shouldn’t
still remindin me that fear knows my name

and even now
he lingers
not in the air
but inside of me
in the places
I can’t quite set free

I don’t cry
don’t scream
just smoke
and let silence’s hands
collide with me
in the same way his used to

and I wait
til my pulse remembers
it belongs to me
til my breath doesn’t hitch
at the thought of him
til the night forgets
and I remember where I am