The Mallard
a story, in verse,
with my apologies to Edgar Allen Poe,
and to anyone with a fetish for popcorn,
or spinsters,
or ducks!
Once upon a May’s day, cheery, as I pondered, gay but weary
Weary from the din of ducks amassing near my backyard door
While I nodded, noontime-napping, dreaming that I heard some quacking
Mallard drake was gently quacking, quacking at my backyard door
“He’s just looking for a handout, quacking at my backyard door
Only this and nothing more.”
Dreamt I’m hungry for a snack, and fetched some popcorn from the back, and
Poured it in a dish for that and opened up the oven’s door
Eagerly I set the timer, strong was my popcorn desire!
Oven’s Bell! I got excited, and I spilled some on the floor
In the kitchen, near the door, a little popcorn on the floor
Only that and nothing more
Thrilled with my hot buttered treat, I took the bowl back to my seat, and
Thinking to myself, “I spilled some. Maybe, I should pop some more?”
While I dreamt of popcorn popping, quacking that I heard, not stopping
Duck outside now loudly quacking, quacking at my backyard door
It can smell that buttered popcorn, lying near the kitchen door
A hungry duck, and nothing more
Through the backdoor window peering, hungry quacking I was hearing
Dreaming to myself that I should sweep the popcorn off the floor
What about that duck I’m hearing? It could help with popcorn clearing
If I let the duck inside, now quacking at my kitchen door
It will eat the popcorn spilled there, popcorn lying on my floor
Feed it popcorn, nothing more
Feeding popcorn to that drake soon proved to be a big mistake, that
Mallard drake ate all the popcorn spilled upon my kitchen floor
Now that duck’s fulfilled its mission, time to make it leave my kitchen!
Duck inside needs prompt eviction, quacking that it wants some more
It can smell my bowl of popcorn, quacking that it wants some more
Quoth the Mallard “Popcorn! More!”
Duck was fast and clearly able, flew upon my kitchen table
Eating all my buttered popcorn right from out my popcorn bowl!
Damn that duck for stealing popcorn, eating all my buttered popcorn!
Duck inside with wings a-flapping, quacking that it wants some more
I went to fetch more popcorn and discovered that there was no more
Then the bird said “Popcorn! More!”
Angry now, popcorn bereft, my outrage on that duck beset, I
Shooed my fow’l popcorn pest from off my table to the floor
Popcorn thief showed no contrition, as I chased it ‘round my kitchen
Cursing it to fowls’ perdition, as it flapped across the floor!
Stared at me with strong suspicion, then it waddled out my door
Silence then and nothing more
Flustered by that duck, now vexed, I dreamt that I should calm myself, by
Walking to the cineplex, to watch a movie and unwind
On the way, while walking there, I dreamt the day was bright and fair, and
I enjoyed some clean, fresh air, no longer lacking peace of mind;
Suddenly, I heard the blare of hungry quacking from behind!
Think I’m going to lose my mind
My anxiety came back when, whereupon that hungry quack from
Mallard duck, my walk bushwhacked, as toward the cineplex I plied;
Soon, the ticket window reaching, with that hungry quacking screeching
Ticket window lady preaching, “You can’t bring that duck inside!”
Spite against all my beseeching, by her rules I must abide
Overreaching rules? He’ll hide!
By that duck, denied my entrance, dreamt I feigned a measured temperance
Mallard duck my new apprentice, whom I now must sneak inside
In my trousers I must stuff that menace of a hungry duck if
I am to have any luck and win my entrance, get inside
I must hide that stupid duck within my trousers, to abide
Silly rules now brushed aside
Bought some popcorn, found my seat, I sat down next to sisters, sweet old
Ladies sitting in their seats, just chatting calmly next to me
Eating popcorn in my seat, and feeling kicking from webbed feet, my
Zipper, opened, Mallard beak poked out from trousers, so to breathe
Spinster sitting next to me can not believe what she now sees!
Just a duck that needs to breathe
Hungry duck has found my popcorn, duck’s head buried deep in popcorn;
Spinster seethes with fear and scorn, believing I’m enacting porn
Spinster sitting next to me elbows her sister, for to see, what
She mistakes as part of me, a private part she should not see!
Worldly sister smiles with glee, “That’s nothing that we haven’t seen.”
“Seen One, and you’ve seen them all!”
Spinster sitting next to me keeps gawking at the part of me that
She believes that she can see, a shocking masturbation scene
Sound of duckbill mastication, munching popcorn, no cessation
In the dark, duck’s head’s gyration, crunching popcorn, is a blur
Believes that I am masturbating, in my popcorn, just for her
Exposed, indecently, to her
Spinster sitting next to me elbows her sister frantically, but
Worldly sister casually just waves it off with just a laugh
Hungry duck then finds her popcorn, frantic spinster’s box of popcorn
Duck’s head flips her box airborne and dumps it all upon her lap
When it tries to eat the popcorn, I receive a righteous slap!
Shocked awake from noontime’s nap!
