Journal Entry #1

Im not sure where I left off with my journal entrys, but I do know I was disheartened to learn that Deep Underground Poetry was shutting down, and as it seemed, my whole life also.  For anyone who followed along on DUP, the last entry was my mom suffering through her stage four endometrial cancer and how God had allowed great healing between us after so many years of abuse. They say true love is long suffering and I truly believe that after this whole experience of life and death, anger and forgiveness.

If I recall correctly I think I left off changing my moms depends, and how frail and fragile she had become. She had withered away to practically nothing as she lay there in her hospital bed. When we had recived that bed, we placed it in her living room right in front of the windows where the morning sun could keep her warm when her frequent cold chills would set in, and where she could also keep an eye on her red bird she named Charlie. Charlie would visit mom throughout the cold winter days, and then every morning she’d have me to take dry toast, crumble it up and spread it across the Bannister of the front porch directly in front of her window where she could watch him chirp and fluff his bright red feathers all day, happy as can be in his little heart with his bread crumbs. Taking care of mom in her dying moments was hands down the hardest experience of my life. You see my mom by today’s standards would be classified as a full on “conspiracy theorist” “The government hates us” “doctors are all kavorkians” So in her last days she absolutely refused to let us bring in Hospice. (Hospice also wanted her to die ya know) And to make the whole situation worse, mom couldn’t swallow pills, so she would just lay there screaming in pain and there was absolutely nothing any of us could do but sit there helplessly watching and tending to her ice packs and pressure wedges.  So after three days of watching her crying and screaming, I couldn’t take it anymore, I demanded to her that whether she liked it or not I was calling an ambulance, she then started screaming at me that I wanted her to die sooner. To say she rendered me speechless with that outburst would be a complete understatement, I quietly gathered my things, completely heartbroken, and I let my brother know I needed a break for a day or two.  This was of course after my grandma had her little say of the day, but I decided it best to keep quiet on it to the others for the sake of less drama and hurting mom. As a mother though I couldnt imagine thinking this way about my child while watching them struggle in horrible agony the last few days of their lives. You see, that day when I took a break I was sitting at the kitchen table munching on some crackers when my grandma felt the need to give her demented opinion on my mothers pain. She started whispering to me “why do you think shes holding on” everything in me wanted to look at her and say, shes waiting on you to apologize for being a horrible mother to her all her life, but I took the high road, it wasnt the place or the time. I just said, I dont know Mamaw, this is all just in gods timing I guess, I swear she looked at me and had the balls to say, ” I think its the old devil in her holding on” In utter disbelief  I sat there processing what she had just said. How could you be here every day listening to her scream? YOUR OWN CHILD, and say something so sadistic as that? At that point I started to look at her being there differently, maybe you actually enjoy seeing this? Are you here for attention from others? Like ohhh…you are such a great mother now, but then this is who you in all actuality are? My stress tank was full when I left that day, moms comment accomplishing the already overflowing of internal emotions. I remember the drive home, how I couldn’t see the road, how her words ripped through my very soul to my eyeballs. Want you to die?!?! I have spent my whole life waiting on the mother you finally turned into, and you think I want you snatched away from me again by death? I knew she didnt mean it, I knew it was the pain and fear talking, but it still crushed me. Then theres my disgruntleduring  grandma, who for the whole process of mom actively dying was there every day for the last year to help. Which in itself was a feat, or so I thought, you see my mom was raised by her with the same abuse I had to endure as a child, mom always felt as if her own mom despised her. So I just assumed guilt and regret played a part in her attendance at the end of moms life, and I was hopeful for healing there as well. I mean she could’ve done better sooner, but watching her interact with mom like a mother should’ve all along was very healing for my mother and myself, and im glad my mom never knew the truth and got to leave this world with a forgiveness towards my grandma. Before my grandma’s evil comment, I already had my guard up simply because my grandma has a bad attitude most of the time, shes so negative, I actually have to take breaks from her so I myself don’t walk around like a big grumpy ball after visiting with her. Also she likes to pit family against each other, like family loving and smiling with each other is such a threat to her ego. I wanted to believe that she just doesnt know how to recieve and give love. I know she herself also had an abusive father growing up, but at a certain point logic should be screaming at you to do better and break cycles. But after her comment to me on my moms “devil” I thought no, if anyone has a demon its you. No mother, especially after having to watch their child die in such a horrible manner could ever even let that thought wonder into her mind, let alone voice it. But then again, this is the same mother who watched her own mother pass after placing her in a nursing home. I would go up and take care of my great grandmother every day, that is until one day I got accused of stealing dog food…YES, dog food! My grandma accused me right to my face, well if you knew me you’d know anything I have I would give, I might be a lot of things, but a thief isn’t one. And dog food? I mean if I was gonna steal something it sure as heck wouldn’t be Alpo! No, she was just upset because someone else was coming in and taking care of her dying mother like she was supposed to be doing, so she had to accuse me to stop me from coming up there. However, do you think she herself cared for my dying great grandma after that? No…two days later she sent her to a nursing home, and thats where she stayed for a year before passing….alone. 

Also, while im bitching, because obviously I need to, she didnt even take care of her dying husband! I also went up to take care of him, I would also school my kids while I was there tending to him, she was never home, always out running around, then she’d come in after Id leave every evening. My grandpa had lung cancer, he was on full time oxygen, he couldn’t walk from point A to point B without getting exhausted and needing to sit down, but I also had to stop taking care of him because she started yelling at my grandpa about how my kids school binders were scratching her new Amish table, and how I wasn’t getting all the dishes caught up before I left every evening. So, I stopped going up to take care of him. I always wondered if papaw thought I just forgot about him, I didnt at all, but I couldn’t take my grandma’s verbal abuse on my kids when I was just trying to take care of a job she herself as his wife should be doing. 

  So, here I was taking a two day break, catching up on sleep, and wanting to be back with mom, but knowing my nerves needed this break to refocus and reset. I also took comfort in knowing my brother, my step dad and my grandma had everything covered for a bit. When I came back a few days later, as soon as I walked through the door my mom looked me dead in the eyes and said. “We are doing this my way” I simply nodded my head and said ok, but in my heart I was screaming this isn’t just about you…how about us kids who have to sit and watch their mom dying in unfathomable pain and then you tie our hands so we can’t help? My quiet war within…

The day went by like all previous ones, mom wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t drink, and shifted from side to side screaming all day long. By this time her toes were turning blue, I called her Dr to see if I could force her to go to the hospital, to which she responded your moms a very stubborn woman, and if shes in her right mind there’s nothing you can force her to do, even if I were to call an ambulance she could refuse it. So I gathered my composure and headed back to moms bed side. All that day she just kept repeating these words, ” help me Jesus” and ” We are almost there” Those bittersweet words etched in my memory. That day around noon, she called me to her bedside where she took her tiny hands and started playing with my curls, she said do you know how beautiful you are? My beautiful baby girl, and as I stood there, hot tears streaming down my face, I looked her straight in the eyes, and she looked straight into mine, and tgere in that moment an understanding happened. Years of hurt disappeared. People get hard, they get cold when life is cruel to them, its just easier to be cold then vulnerable. However, I in that moment was three again, where my mom left me all those years ago, I said I love you mom, and you are beautiful too as she started crying. My grandma with her grumpy self sitting in the kitchen watching this interaction of love and forgiveness between a mother and daughter, and you would think in that moment something would’ve taken shape in her own soul, something soft and awakening, and whether it did or not I can’t say, I can only hope at this point. 

Later that evening after my brother had left, my grandmother also, I told my step dad I was gonna head out, it was around 7 and mom had finally stopped crying with pain and dozed off to sleep, so I was gonna go and let her get a much needed rest. As I was heading towards the door mom opened one eye and said, where ya going sis? I said oh, I thought you were asleep so I was gonna go and let you rest. She said no, will you please stay with me a little while longer? She motioned for me to come to her side where she laid her hand directly over my heart and said I know im being selfish, but I don’t want you to leave me yet, while tears once again streamed down her cheeks. I pulled up a chair next to her, where we held hands until she dozed off again. Those were the last words my mother ever said to me, she passed at 11 that night. 

To be continued…