WAITING FOR MONSTERS
After an horrific childhood and then
an equally…YES EQUALLY abusive
first marriage – there came a moment
of peace before I screwed up again!
Having been violently controlled my
entire life, up to that point, I didn’t
know what do with myself without
being told. I was mentally lost!
All touches has been violently forced.
I shuddered at any touch. I hated
myself…as I had been instructed to do
by family and then my abusive ex.
I was worthless and ugly and what
had been done to me made me a slut,
whore and cunt in everyone’s eyes.
Hear it your entire life and you believe.
I ate plain bread straight from the
loaf. No butter, or pbj. I didn’t cook
because scents werw a reminder of
meals I made in the past INCORRECTLY!
I had had hot food dumped on me
and thrown at me and even shoved
in intimate areas – so even alone I
shuddered at the thought of cooking.
I’d stare out my window always thinking
that somone was coming to abuse or
kill me. THAT WAS MY LIFE! A counselor
asked me to make a list of “wants.”
TO BE 100% TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKING
SAFE! That goal was unlikely. At least,
I couldn’t believe in it. I could not
envision a life without fear and pain.
I wasn’t suicidal. I was devoid of any
feelings other than fear. I expected
the worst. I knew nothing else. So,
I sat in the apartment and I ate bread.
I would wash in the kitchen sink and
attend to my bodily functions when
needed. It wasn’t much of a life
waiting for my monsters to show up.
Your body was there, going through the motions, and that was it. Tough first part
Paula, for you to still be here and to share your story is not just brave it’s a testament to the kind of strength that you have and who you are.
Most people can’t understand the life you’ve had, that these things happened and that a woman is not only willing to talk about it, but able to write about it so well. I hope that by writing and sharing it with us, with the world, you are healing. You are helping others who have been through this and who are reading your words heal as well. You are giving voices to people who feel voiceless.
I understand moving beyond suicide to the place devoid of feelings, devoid of hope, waiting to die. And I understand most everything else you write about. I’m sorry that you had to experience the horror that you did. Sorry doesn’t usually solve anything. Sorry can be baseless and an insult sometimes, but let me say first, that I understand how you felt.
You deserve to have your freedom, hope, happiness and safety. You’re pretty damn amazing.
Blushing now!