Cruel

You live inside his brain, like a predator waiting to strike.

And he is helpless. Was, Helpless.
I am afraid, to fall asleep next to him at night, in case he seizes while I am asleep in our bed, beside him. I try to look at him whenever I can, to memorize just how the sunlight catches the amber in his eyes and turns them into gold, and honey. I trace his lips and try to remember how perfectly they fit mine, in case he is cold, when I awake.

I fucking hate you, and wish you would die, and leave him be. I have a seizure protocol in my phone, in case I need to use it. And I’ve prayed to god every night since I met him, even though god and I no longer see each other. Like distant lovers, I still seek him out, to protect liam, 

He is half of me, and we are tethered to each other at our ribcages, and he drinks wine from my collar bones. I am afraid of everything, and oh god, how I wish I didn’t have to be.

I am afraid of roller coasters, dancing in clubs and under the moonlight, swimming and getting piggy back rides in the pool, bright flashing lights in movies. I am afraid of everything, and there is not one place inside of my body where my anxiety does not live. Whether it’s because I do not know how to live without him, or the fact that I cannot, I do not know which scares me more.

I am scared of it all. I am anxiety,

Incarnate.