been holdin this note
too long again
not outa hope
not outa love for the noise
just stubbornness
and maybe a little need
to see who breaks first
the sound
or me
I tend to push harder when it hurts
pull softer when it begs
and I don’t stop when it’s quiet
that’s when I sink in deeper
into the spaces no one listens to
into the hum that lives
between the strings and my chest
I turned the damper pedal into god
not b/c it saves
but b/c it holds on
keeps the grief ringin
just a little longer
while I press into the keys
til they moan under my touch
beggin for release
or revenge
and when the music can’t hold me
I write
scratch my thoughts onto paper
diggin graves to spill words into
that ache and spit and ruin the page
call it antipoetic bullshit
and slap on a title
or a warnin
or just anythin that proves
I’m not done screamin
I don’t celebrate
I exhale
a slow note
a sloppy line
a steady tremble
a fuck you lullaby
for the year that didn’t kill me
not askin for joy
just givin the keys
one more moment to carry on
one more sharp
just givin the page
one more held breath
one more reason I’m still here
still playin
still spillin
still bleedin into them
til they learn my name
I was born bein told
to shut the fuck up
but I’m gonna die loud
where every breath in between
will sound like a fuck you
disguised as a goddamn sonnet
happy fuckin birthday you absolute wreck
you goddamn disaster
you crazy piano throttlin poetry pukin motherfucker
43 years
3 years 8 months dry
another spin round the sun
with your teeth bared
and your middle finger raised
like the world owed you cake
and you spit in its face
and pissed on the candles instead
now go ruin another year
“scratch my thoughts onto paper
diggin graves to spill words into”
Powerfully penned, Ambjr. Into the book it belongs! This one needs music my friend, unless you’ve already wrote it. Fantastic work. Appreciate you.
Damian
hadn’t even considered puttin music with this one. interestin thought. of course…got a few sets of lyrics that started puttin music to and never finished. so probably wouldn’t get done anyway. thanks damian
hello dearest Ambjr this resonated with me Happy Birthday…I think about my death I don’t know if that will silence me…great write đź’•
appreciate it crimsin
That is one powerful declaration there! Live out loud! And I’ll light the candles on your cake! Happy birthday
thank you willow
Rage and do not accept if you need to, it is your day after all.
appreciate you fia
I’m with Damian. Music, definitely.
And happy bday to you. Wave that finger in the air.
appreciate it adira