maybe you made a mistake with me
maybe I was just
some stubborn sharp edged choice
you mistook for love
or hope
or somethin that could be saved
I don’t make things easy
I pull away
then claw to stay close
I talk in circles
then get pissed off
when you don’t understand
maybe I’m in your way
maybe one day
you’ll finally see
I’m never gonna change
not deep down
not where the damage lives
it’s just fuckin motions now
half hearted smiles and chatter
breaths and silence
I gave up who I was
to be someone you could live with
but I’m still too fucked up
too haunted
too much
maybe that’s not how you see me
but maybe it should be
so you don’t waste yourself
tryin to carry what I can’t let go of
I am disappointment
and motions
but I’m still here
still tryin
even if all I can give you
is a little less ruin
than the day before
I find that when you think about how the other person should feel,,it is never truly what they are feeling. (Doubts) if that person should be with you can lead you to a negative space.
This is a good spill.
I recognize that way I see it and she does us most likely not the same. thanks fia.
That’s powerful, and harsh. I hope externalizing this into words gave you a little more power over yourself.
appreciate it
A little less ruin than the day before is progress, don’t discount that or yourself.
I found, like most people do I believe, that the more I wrote about my pain and shared, the more I learned about myself and discovered that I wasn’t the strange, unidentifiable alien I thought I was. Our lives may be different, some experiences more complicated than others, but suffering and self-hate are universal. I wish it weren’t that way, but we are conditioned to judge ourselves harshly when most of the time our actions are born out of suffering. It’s just one continuous loop of despair that needs to be broken somehow. It’s not as simple as changing your mindset, it comes with a shit ton of other stuff. Someone f’d up somewhere and said it was okay for humans to be damaged. What they didn’t tell us is that we don’t have to say that way. Everyone is salvageable.
Your writes do this, you know. Make us identify and feel. Deeply.
I truly appreciate all of that. your insight.
My pleasure, my friend
Powerfully penned, Ambjr. Assuming what someone else feels is dangerous territory, I know from experience. I was always trying to figure out what the other person in the relationship was thinking. Dating or friends, for as much as I might be right on an issue or two, I never captured the whole picture. Because we can’t know what they feel, it’s just an assumption at the end of the day. Strong write my friend, made me ponder. Appreciate you.
Damian
nah. I agree with that. apprentice you.